{Crow is seated at a computer terminal, reading aloud as he types. Servo and Mike enter, but don't say anything at first.}
Crow: "Thus far, the only high points of the story were the earth-shattering destruction of the human race, a guest appearance by the Highlander, and Evelyn's micro-mini."
Mike: Crow, what are you doing?
Crow: Writing a letter to Son of Corman. I just thought that if the kid's going to be a writer, he should get a little creative criticism from a fellow writer.
Servo: The only thing you've ever written is The Earth vs. Soup!
Mike: Be nice, Servo. Let me read what you have so far.
{Crow leans back so Mike can read the computer screen.}
*ahem* "Dear Son of Corman, or whatever your name happens to be; Don't give up your day job. This story reads like a lost scene from Robot Monster. I'm beginning to think that maybe you really are related to Roger Corman. Everyone walks and walks and walks. Thus far. . . " You're being awfully tough on the kid, don't you think?
Crow: I'm just paying him back for all those jump-cuts.
{Movie Sign wails.}
Mike: Well, finish your letter later, WE'VE GOT CORMAN SIGN!!
{Everyone scrambles as Cambot pans in once more.}
{6. . .5. . .4. . .3. . .2. . .1. . .Theater.}
>At first, I thought that the probe was somehow launched back into space by a volcano.
Crow: And now it's a probe again!
Servo: Crow, the Mariner spacecraft is a probe!
Mike: Don't start that again.
Bots: {dejected} Okay.
>(We now see the interior of the Mariner probe. A Venusian is inside it.)
{All laugh.}
Servo: Boy, Sailor Venus has seen better days!
>Voice: I learned through space vibrations
Servo: Are they good, good, good, good vibrations?
>that an alien was planning to land on Earth and destroy the human race.
>(Jump-cut to a view of Macleod with the alien in a glass box.)
Mike: {Macleod} At last! My collection is complete!
>Voice: I contained it as it landed on Earth within a container of glass.
Crow: {Macleod} Or a glass box. I haven't decided which I like better yet.
>But even I knew that this deadly soldier from another world's rays would sooner or later >vaporize the glass.
>(Jump-cut to the U.N. Macleod is talking to the leaders of the world.)
Servo: Man! I just got whiplash from that jump-cut!
Crow: There should be a label on this somewhere: Manufacturer's Warning: Jump-cuts may be hazardous to your health!
>Voice: The end of the world as we knew it was upon us.
Mike: {Macleod} But I felt fine.
{The bots snicker.}
>Soon, the Earth would be destroyed by its rays. I told the U.N. of this crisis. They knew of our >planet's danger, so they immediately set up an underground laboratory filled with men and >women and vegetation that we would need to survive.
Servo: Let me guess--Genius Boy has no clue where it is now!
>Now, as to where it is or was hidden I have no information.
{Mike and Crow look at Servo.}
Mike: How did you--
Servo: I saw something like this on Sightings one time.
Crow: There's Shameless SciFi Channel Plug #2.
>(Jump-cut to Macleod in his underground laboratory.)
>Voice: We all got underground immediately. The moment was upon us.
{The bots snicker.}
Mike: Not a word, Crow.
Crow: What? You always blame me! Why don't you yell at him for a change?!
Mike: Who's yelling?
Servo: Besides, I was just thinking it!
Crow: {mumbles} Suck-up.
>(Jump-cut to the Venusian breaking out of the glass.
Mike: Oops! Should have used Plexiglass!
Crow: Yes, folks, we have product placement, even on-line!
>Lightning comes from his fingers and destroys a building. I nouter space, a group of pods zoom >towards the Earth. The other Venusians attack with their flashes of lasers.)
Crow: Hey! The Venusians are using lightsabers!
Mikie: {Darth Vader} Jason, join me on the Dark Side or earth will be destroyed.
{Servo chuckles.}
>Voice: The Venusians attacked with all their fury. All our tanks and bombs were no match for >them. Those who remained on Earth suffered a terrible fate.
Mike: They were all turned into Pauly Shore clones!
Bots: Nooooooo!
>Their so-called "Venusian forming rays"
Servo: {TV Announcer} Their So-Called Venusian Forming Rays! From the producers of My So-Called Life!
>leveled every city off the map, no matter how big or little.
>(We briefly see Colman, Roger, and Evelyn listen sadly.
Crow: How do you "listen sadly"?
Servo: Kind of like how we're reading this sadly.
>Jump-cut to a decimated world. The earth men and women walk along grudgingly.)
>Voice: Those on the surface who survived were put to work under horrible conditions, much like >the Jews of the Holocaust, only this Holocaust woulf kill every man and woman on Earth for the >"Final Solution".
Mike: Every man and woman, but what about the children?
Crow: They were evacuated to the moon.
Servo: See?! I told you Sailor Moon would--
Mike and Crow: NO!
>(Jump-cut to an underground city.)
Crow: ENOUGH WITH THE JUMP-CUTS!!
{Crow attacks the screen. Mike jumps up and pulls him back.}
Mike: Calm down!
>Voice: Those who were not under the Venusians' influence had civilized quickly underground. >Soon, they had found their weakness,
>(Jump-cut to a giant explosion.)
{Crow screams and cowers in his seat, whimpering slightly.}
Mike: It'll be okay, Crow. Calm down.
>Voice: . . . and destroyed them with a giant antimatter bomb. At first, they thought that all the >Venusians were destroyed, but one had survived.
Servo: {Church Lady} How conveeeeenient.
>(A Venusian flies through the picture. A flash is seen.)
>Voice: He destroyed the remaining humans.
Crow: Except for the three idiots who were falling down in a bank vault.
Mike: Of course.
>At first the others thought they could construct another bomb, but all are gone now. The >Venusians have won the intergalactic war.
Mike: Why didn't I know about this intergalactic war?
Crow: Like I said before, you were asleep.
Mike: Why do I have the feeling I should hit you right now?
Servo: {sings} Intergalactic planetary!
Mike: No Beastie Boys, honey.
Servo: Aw, man!
>(Jump-cut back to the laboratory.)
>Voice: And now, as the Venusians approack my base, and I plan to commit suicide,
Servo: Oh, sure! Take the easy way out!
>I decide to hide this tape. If any living man or woman
Mike: Or Colman.
{Servo snickers.}
>finds this, remember, the only way to kill a Venusian is through antimatter. That. . .
Crow: Maybe he should have finished the recording before he took the cyanide pill!
>is all.
>(The tape ends. Colman, Roger, and Evelyn look at each other.)
Mike: {Colman} So, anyone want a beer?
>Roger: Then we are the last people on Earth?
Crow: God, I hope not!
>But this is incredible!
>Colman: I don't believe that. There must have been someone smart enough to hide beyond their >reaches.
>Evelyn: What about the underground? They haven't destroyed that yet!
>Colman: That would seem logical.
Servo: Colman's a Vulcan?
Mike: I didn't know this was a Star Trek crossover!
Crow: Colman IS Mr. Spock!
>Hopefully, a few of the plants have survived underground. But if the Venusians found out where >the base was, they could destroy all the remaining people on Earth!
Servo: {sarcastically} Oh, God forbid! You three are just sooo wonderful!
{Mike and Crow stare at Servo.}
What?
Mike: Never mind.
>Roger: They know what's going on up here! They figure that we may be Venusian spies and blast >us right off the earth!
{All cheer.}
>Evelyn: We've got to try something! If we stay up here much longer, they'll be down upon us!
>Colman: It seems that you are right. We will have to find the others. We'll split up. You go >together that way. I'll go this way.
>(He hands them a few flares.)
>Colman: If you find them, send up a flare. And remember, as soon as you see a Venusian, either >run or hide.
Mike: Or do the Macarena.
>Don't stand your ground. If they know you are there, they will kill you. All right, let's go.
All: Gooooooooo, LOSERS!
>(They go theirs seperate way.
Mike: I'm knocking 5 points off of this story for improper usage of the word their.
>Jump-cut to later, a few miles away. Roger and Evelyn are searching for the opening among the >wreckage. Suddenly, the sky flashes. Roger sweeps Evelyn off her feet and runs.
Servo: {Evelyn} Uh, honey, I can walk, you know!
Crow: He thinks they're on a second honeymoon! How sweet!
>A Venusian flies over the hole they hide in. He looks around, but sees nothing, so he goes on.
Mike: Wow. Just look at all the wasted commas in that sentence!
>Roger and Evelyn get up and keep walking.)
>Roger: So Colman is not lying about the Venusians.
>Evelyn: Come on, before he sees us.
Servo: Oh, for the luvva--if he didn't see you two seconds ago, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE'LL SEE YOU NOW?!
Mike: Down, Servo. It's almost over. {mumbles} I hope.
Crow: What was that, Mike?
Mike: Nothing!
>(They walk along, unnoticed. Jump-cut to the area Colman is searching.
Mike: Crow. . .
Crow: I wasn't going to say it!
Mike: Just checking.
>Suddenly, he sees a hole in the ground. He begins uncovering it and sees a metal lock.)
>Colman: I've found it!
Mike: Found what?!
>(He gets out a flare and fires it. Miles away, Roger and Evelyn spot it.)
>Evelyn: He found it!
Crow: Found what?!
Servo: Hey, there's an echo in here!
Mike: I thought Pearl fixed that!
>Roger: Good. We need to get back to him. But we must watch out for the scout!
>(They walk off. jump-cut to later that evening.
Mike: I think someone missed the "shift" key again!
Crow: Mike, I swear if I see the word jump-cut one more time, I'm gonna rip my eyes out!
>The three survivors are sitting around a campfire. Colman holds a gun close as Roger and >Evelyn eat.)
Mike: {Colman} Don't move or the bunny gets it!
Crow: Actually, I think that's what they're eating.
Servo: Nooooooo! Bugs!
{Servo begins sobbing.}
Mike: Way to go, Crow.
{Mike tries to comfort Servo.}
>Roger: Will you really need that?
>Colman: I intend to use it for myself, thank you very much.
{Crow snickers.}
Mike: Don't say it. You're in enought trouble as it is!
>Evelyn: The scientis in the recording said something about an antimatter bomb.
>Colman: Yes. That's how we kill them. But they're too dangerous if used recklessly.
>Roger: It seems that it's our only hope.
Crow: Well, it didn't work the last time, but what the hell, let's give it another shot!
>Colman: We must get to the others soon and get our hands on the plans to making antimatter. >If the scout knows there are more Earthlings, he send for reinforcements.
Crow: Right on, Soul Brotha!
>Evelyn: All right. Let's go to sleep.
Mike: Oh, great plan, Evelyn!
Servo: {stops sobbing} Sounds good to me!
{Servo leans on Mike and falls asleep.}
>Colman: I'll stay up, in case he comes.
Crow: {Colman} In which case, I'll cry like a baby and beg for my miserable life to be spared.
Mike: {reading ahead} Uh-oh!
{Mike covers Crow's eyes.}
Crow: Hey!
>(The others go to sleep. Jump-cut to the next morning.
{Mike uncovers Crow's eyes.}
Mike: That was close!
Crow: What? Jump-cut?
Mike: Yep.
Crow: Oh. {pause} Thanks, Mike.
>Colman is using a stick to pry open the hole. He finally gets it open.)
>Colman: All right. You two go in first. Bring your flashlights.
>Roger: Why?
Crow: Because we like you!
>Colman: I'm going to seal the hole so that the alien can't find it. If he does, we're done for.
>(They get into the hole. Colman closes it as he gets in.
Mike: I think we're about to experience another jump-cut.
Crow: I'm over it.
>Jump-cut to the dark tunnel. All we can see is only the flashlights.)
Crow: "All that we can see is only the flashlights"? How did this guy ever pass high school English?
Mike: Maybe he's still in high school.
>Evelyn: How much further to the base?
>Colman: Not much longer. . .
{Servo wakes up.}
Servo: Did I miss much?
Mike and Crow: No.
>Wait! I think I see something!
Servo: {sings} There's a liiiiiight. . .
Crow: Stop him, Mike! Stop him now!
{Mike covers Servo's beak.}
Mike: No more Rocky Horror for you, young man!
Servo: Mmmmph!
Crow: Can we go now, Mike?
Mike: Yeah, let's get outta here, guys.
{Mike picks up Servo and the trio exits the theater.}
{1. . .2. . .3. . .4. . .5. . .6. . .Dogbone.}