This is one of my first posted MiSTings. It first appeared in another form on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Posting Board over at the Dominion. MST3K is the property of Best Brains. I do not work for BBI, but I would like to (hey, what Mistie wouldn't?)!
{Season 9 Theme}
{1. . .2. . .3. . .4. ..5. . .6. . .Dogbone}
{Crow and Servo are in the middle of an intense game of Monopoly. Most of the property cards and a large stack of bills denotes Crow's progress, while Servo has only one property card and a few dozen bills. Mike is nowhere to be found.}
Servo: Yes!! I've landed on Boardwalk! And, after I buy it, I will rule this Monopoly world!
Crow: I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the only properties you have are Boardwalk and Park Place.
Servo: Are you jealous that I, Tom Servo, am winning?
Crow: No, because I'm winning.
Servo: Are not!Crow: Am too! I have all the railroads, and Baltic Avenue, and Mediterranean Avenue, and I can't forget Virginia Avenue. . .{Servo is starting to get a little steamed.}
. . . and States Avenue, and St. Charles Place, and New York Ave--
{Servo screams and attacks Crow, knocking over the game board as he does. Both bots fall behind the counter, but we can still hear the fight.}
Servo: {from behind the counter} Say that I'm the winner!
Crow: {same as Servo} Ow!! Quit it, Servo! You are not!
{Fighting escalates and Crow pops up from behind the counter. Servo follows and attacks again as Mike enters, reading a magazine. Crow see the opportunity for rescue.}
Mike! Help!
{Mike, noticing the fight, grabs Servo and pulls him off of Crow. During the following conversation, Servo tries to break free and attack Crow again.}
Mike: Okay, guys, what's this all about?
Servo: {quickly} Crow's cheating!
Crow: I am not, you feeb!Mike: {stunned} Cheating. . . you mean this is all about a game?
Crow: Yeah. I'm crushing him at Monopoly--
Servo: Are not!
Crow: {continues} --and he thinks that just because he has Boardwalk and Park Place. . .
Mike: Okay, let's go over the rules of the game one more time.
Servo: {whines} But I have Boardwalk and Park Place!
{Mads' Light starts flashing.}
Crow: It'll have to wait, Mike. Leona Helmsley, King Kong, and Michael Myers are calling.
{Mike hits the button.}
Hello?
{Castle Forrester.}
{Pearl and the Observer are in the Great Hall. Neither one looks really happy.}
Pearl: Hey, Nelstone. I really hate to say this, but you may be getting a break today.
Observer: In fact, if we cannot find any suitable material soon. . .
{SOL}
Mike: You'll have to scrap the experiment?
{Castle Forrester}
Pearl: {nodding sadly} I'm afraid so.
{SOL}
{The bridge has now taken on a more festive mood. Streamers and balloons are everywhere, Mike and the bots are wearing party hats, and Crow is tossing confetti around.}
Gypsy: {same} Sure is!
Crow: {tosses more confetti} Yeah.
{Castle Forrester}
{Off-screen cheers from the Satellite crew. Pearl looks annoyed. Before she can say anything, Bobo enters with a huge stack of papers.}
Bobo: I've downloaded a list of movies that might be useful.
Pearl: Give me that!
{Pearl grabs the papers away from Bobo and leafs through them. She stops and pulls several sheets from the center.}
What's this?
Bobo: Oh, I intercepted that in transit.
Pearl: {sweetly to the SOL crew} Mike, I've found something a little different for you today. It's Part 1 of a series called The Venusian Chronicles, intercepted in-transit from someone called Son of Corman.
{SOL}
{The party mood is dead.}
Servo: Did she say SON of Corman?
Crow: Why don't I like the sound of this?
{Movie Sign flashes and wails.}
Mike: Oh, no, WE'VE GOT CORMAN SIGN!
{Everyone scatters, screaming.}
{6. . .5. . .4. . .3. . .2. . .1. . .Theater.}
>October 10, 1998
Mike: Why'd he put the date on this?
Crow: I think it's the expiration date.
>THE VENUSIAN CHRONICLES
>BY TIM FOX
Servo: You can't fool us, Corman! We know it's you!
{Crow snickers.}
>Venus Zombies!
>Sea of Monsters!
>Atomic Age Dinosaurs!
>The Sea of Monsters!
>The planet of love is also the planet of lust!
Servo: The hell?
Mike: I think it was a poem.
Crow: Actually, that last line wasn't too bad. . .
>(Put on your 3-D glasses. This is 3-D, after all.)
Crow: Great, a 3-D script. Thanks for the warning, Corman!
>(The first scene is a strange exotic paradise.)
>Narrator: (narrates) This is Venus, hundreds of years ago. This planet was once filled to the >brim with life.
Mike: Uh, we're reading this, right?
Servo: Yeah.
Mike: So, why is there a narrator?
Servo: Well, someone needs to narrate!
Mike: Oh, yeah. {pause} Huh?
>{Suddenly, the screen burst into flames.
{All laugh.}
Crow: Oh, good! The script spontaneously combusted! Can we go now, Mike?
Mike: No. If it was that easy, would Pearl have sent it?
>Then all the plant life disappears.
Servo: Why? I thought plants thrived in the heat.
Mike: Heat, Servo. Not flames.
Crow: Say, speaking of flames. . .
Mike: No.
Crow and Servo: Aww!
>The ground is now a barren wasteland.)
>Narrator: (narrates) But now, all that remains is a group of sulfuric clouds and a flaming surface. >No life could live on there.
Crow: "Live on there"? How about just saying "no life could exist there"?
Mike: Because that would make sense.
Crow: Oh, okay.
>(The screen switches to outer space.)
>Narrator: (narrates) And so is the end of life on Venus. Or is it?
Mike: Why are you asking us? You're the narrator!
>Could it be that this is only an illusion? Could life have found a way to survive? Does it exist in >our dimension, or does it live beyond our comprehension? Does it reason the way we do? Does it >look like us? Or is it totally alien in form?
Servo: Find out next week--same Venusian time, same Venusian channel!
{Mike laughs.}
>Perhaps knowing is only half the adventure. . .
>(Beginning credits.
Crow: The credits already? Man, that was a breeze!
{Crow stands up to leave.}
>Fade out.)
>PART 1
Mike: Sorry, Crow. Those were the opening credits.
Crow: You mean, there's more?
Mike: Afraid so, buddy.
{Crow sits back down.}
>THE VENUS SCOUT
Servo: Great, I bet Sailor Moon's in this somewhere!
>(The first scene is a bank. Two tellers, Evelyn and Roger, are working busily at their jobs. >Close-up on the narrator, who is unnoticed by the other. He is looking at us.
Crow: Hey, look, it's Rod Serling!
Mike: I thought this read like an episode of The Twilight Zone!
Servo: Shameless SciFi Channel Plug #1!
>While he is, Roger and Evelyn look at each other with a happy look.
Mike: As opposed to "look at each other happily."
>Narrator: A normal day for Evelyn and Roger Klondike, two Christian newlyweds who are happy >with their jobs, with each other, with life. Little do they know that today is the day that will test >their faith in God. . .
>(A masked man enters the bank with a gun.)
>Man: Stick 'em up!
Servo: {Man} Oh, sorry, I meant, "Don't move! This is a stick-up!"
>(The people scream.
All: GO PACKERS! PACKERS, WOO!
>Roger and Evelyn reach for the sky.)
>Man: All right. I want two tellers to go with me into the vault and help me carry out all the >money they can.
Crow: Let's see, who's gonna volunteer? Hmmm. . .
Mike: My guess would be the newlyweds.
Servo: Why?
Mike: They're the only people who seem to be working in the damn bank!
>Roger: All right. I'll go.
>Evelyn: I'll go, too. Just don't hurt these people!
>Man: No one will get hurt if you go down into the vault!
>(He follows them down to the vault. Then he pulls the vault shut and pulls off his mask.)
Mike and Crow: {Roger and Evelyn} Put it back on! Put it back on!
>Colman: Good. You're down where it's safe.
Servo: No, it's a vault!
{Crow and Mike laugh weakly.}
>Evelyn: What?
>(Suddenly there is an explosion. The vault shakes. The three people fall over.
Servo: . . . a cliff and die. The end.
Crow: Keep dreaming, Servo.
>Outside, the cities blow up in a terrible explosion.
Servo: Okay, so everything's exploding. I think you've established that.
>A wave of smoke flies through the city.
Mike: {sings} Smoke on the water. . .
The sky flashes. Jump-cut back to the vault. The others are all right.
Crow: Oh, sure! The entire planet just bit he big one, but these three are fine!
Mike: Take it easy, Crow!
>Colman wakes up and looks at the others. He wakes up Roger and Evelyn.)
>Roger: What happened?
>(Colman gets out a medical kit and checks them both.)
Mike: I bet there's a big black magic marker in that kit.
{Servo snickers>}
>Colman: I need to check you for radiation.
>Evelyn: Radiation?
>Roger: What are you talking about?
>Colman: You check out. And so does your wife. I'm glad you are in such good physical >condition.
{The bots snicker.}
Mike: Easy, guys.>Now I just need to find the others.
>Evelyn: What the. . .
Servo: I'll finsih for you, Evelyn. *ahem* --the hell?
>Roger: Listen, buddy, something just went on outside, and I don't plan to sit in here, forever, >waiting for an explaination!
>Colman: (angrily) you want an explaination, huh?
Mike: Uh, you forgot to hit the shift key there, buddy.
Crow: {Jack Nicholson} You can't handle the explaination!
>Well, come this way. I know who can explain it best.
>(Roger
Crow: The names Colman and Roger shouldn't be that close together.
Servo: Yeah, it reminds me of Roger Corman and Colman Francis all rolled into one.
{All shudder.}
>and Evelyn look at each other in disbelief. Colman opens the vault door. Outside, the city has >been reduced to rubble. Roger and Evelyn walk round in disbelief.
Servo: So, disbelief is now a main character?
Crow: Either that or disbelief contributed money to this screenplay!
>Colman looks at them both.)
>Colman: (yells) Come on! Follow me! I'll show you where he is!
>Evelyn: Should we?
>Roger: Well, there's nothing else we can do. . .
Mike: {Roger} Unless we kill him.
>(They walk off.
Servo: . . . into the sunset. Unfortunately, the sun is now actually sitting on the horizon, so they get burnt to cinders. The end.
>Jump-cut to a few miles later. Roger is so hot
Mike: Oh, he's not so hot! He just thinks he is!
>he takes his shirt off.
All: AUGH!
Crow: I only hope they don't get Dennis Franz to play this role!
{All shudder at the thought.}
>Colman looks back at them and wave his hand. Jump-cut to even later. Evelyn's shirt is really >ripped up. He skirt has been ripped up and most of it is gone.
Servo: "He skirt"?
Crow: Roger's wearing a skirt?
>Colman looks back and gestures them on again.
Mike: Yeah, I've got a gesture for this thing.
Crow: Welcome to the Dark Side, Mike.
>Jump-cut to the edge of the city. Roger, who's pants are getting pretty badly cut,
Crow: A minute ago he was wearing a skirt!
Mike: And you're complaining because. . .
Crow: I'd just like to see a little continuity.
>is carrying Evelyn now, who has her shirt literally cut down to pretty low.
Crow: How low?
Mike: Crow. . .
Crow: I was just asking! Geez!
>She gets up as the reach the top of the hill.)
>Colman: (feels around the rocks) Where is it? Where is it?
Mike: To the left! To the left!
Crow: To the right! To the right!
Servo: Stan up! Sit down!
All: Fight, fight, FIGHT!
>Roger: All right, buster. I've had it up to here.
Crow: That would have been so much more effective if this wasn't all text!
>Evelyn: Where are you taking us?
Servo: {feminine voice} To where the fish lives.
Mike: I call no more Touch of Satan riffs.
>Colman: (finds a button and presses it) There!
>(A hole in the ground opens up. Colman jumps in. Evelyn and Roger follow. Jump-cut
Crow: Hey, Mike, what's a jump-cut?
Mike: A scene change.
Crow: Oh. {pause} There've been an awful lot of scene changes in this so far.
>to a secret base. Colman finds a tape recorder.)
>Colman: This will explain all that has happened.
Mike: {Colman} I think.
>(He presses "play".)
Servo: {sings} It's been seven hours and fifteen days. . .
Crow: Oh, rats, I was hoping this would be the Barenaked Ladies! {notices Mike staring at him.} You know, like it's taken us One Week to get this far into the script?
>Voice: This is Jason Macleod.
Mike: {Scottish accent} Of the Clan Macleod!
Servo: Jason Macleod IS the Highlander!
>This recording is probably the last made on Earth. I decided to make it to tell the future >generations, if any,
Crow: Oh, this is the guy who only sees the glass as "half-empty".
Servo: It's Mitchell?
Crow: No, that's not what I--oh, never mind!
>how the human race was virtually destroyed.
Mike: Okay, and exactly when did this happen?
Crow: Well, you were asleep, and we didn't think it was important enough to wake you.
Mike: Oh, okay--hey!
>Roger: Destroyed?
>Colman: Sh.
Servo: I think that should actually say shhhhhhhhh.
>(The tape continues. While it does, a dream sequence occurs.
{All snicker.}
Crow: Great, that's just what we needed to liven things up! Thanks again, Corman!
Servo: {sings} I'm the gypsy, the acid queen. . .
>Mr. Macleod is working on a computer.)
>Voice: I remember how it all started. I was working on the monitor when I spotted something on >Venus. A strange probe was heading for Earth.
{The bots snicker.}
Mike: Okay, that's enough for you two right now.
{Mike picks up Servo.}
>Voice: I later found out that it was none other than the Mariner spacecraft.
Crow: But you just said it was a probe!
Mike: OUT!
{Crow grumbles as the trio exits the theater.}
{1. . .2. . .3. . .4. . .5. . .6. . .Dogbone.}