Monsters from Outer Space

MST3K and all related characters are the property of Best Brains, Inc. I am not affiliated with BBI in any way, and am not making any money off this work.

{Season 9 Theme}

{1. . .2. . .3. . .4. . .5. . .6. . .Dogbone.}

{Mike, Dani, and Crow are on the bridge. The Nanoscope is out, and the trio are conversing with the Nanites.}

Crow: So you can really make cappuccinos faster than Starbuck's?
Ned: You-betcha.
Dani: Oh, yeah? This I gotta see!
Ned: You-got-it. {pause} There-ya-go.

{Three cappuccinos have appeared on the counter.}

Mike: Well, that's impressive and all, but shouldn't you be working on the guidance system?!
Ned: Do-you-have-a-work-order-for-that?

{Corman and Servo walk/hover onto the bridge.}

Servo: And then we ended up back here!
Corman: That's some story! {pause} How many planets did he blow up again?
Dani: Three.
Mike: Can we just forget how may planets got destroyed? We have to get out of here before Pearl sends us the rest of The Venusian Chronicles!
Corman: Well, I hid them in a safe place, so we should have at least two months!

{Mads' Signal begins flashing.}

Crow: What? Already?
Dani: Two months, huh?

{Dani hits the button as Gypsy enters.}

{Castle Forrester.}

{Bobo, Observer, and Pearl are in the Great Hall. They seem rather happy, which is definitely not a good thing!}

Pearl: Oh, good, everyone's here! Bobo, get the printout.

{Bobo slips out.}

I have a special treat for you today. It's an anonymous monster movie script called Monsters from Outer Space that is really dreadful.
Bobo: {returning} Here you go, Lawgiver.

{He hands her a fourteen page manuscript.}

Pearl: Thank you, Bobo. Brain Guy, if you wouldn't mind. . . ?
Observer: Right.

{Observer Sound Effect.}

Pearl: Oh, one more thing: You five nimrods won't be getting any breaks. Nada. Zero. Zip. Zilch. {pause} Enjoy!

{SOL}

Dani: Oh, God! I thought she looked a little too happy!
Corman: No break? That's a bad thing, right?
Servo: You got it, kid!
Gypsy: Good luck, you guys. I'll go make sandwiches so you won't starve in there.

{Gypsy slides out as Movie Sign begins to wail.}

All but Corman: WE'VE GOT SCREENPLAY SIGN!!
Mike: Let's move!

{Servo pushes Corman off-screen as the others scatter.}

{6. . .5. . .4. . .3. . .2. . .1. . .Theater.}

{Everyone sits down, from left to right: Corman, Servo, Dani, Mike, and Crow.}

>Monsters from Outer Space

Dani: I hate it already.
Crow: That's just the title line!
Dani: Yeah, what's your point?

>It's raining cinematic chaos! Keep your eye on the screen, because you will never know when the monsters will attack!

>(Put on your 3-D glasses. This is 3-D, after all.)

Servo: It's the Return of the 3-D Scripts!

>(Roll beginning credits. The first shot is outer space.)

Mike: Yeah. I'm impressed.
Crow: It's gonna be a loooooong day!

>Narrator: (narrates) The coldness of space. Man has always wanted to penetrate it

{Crow and Dani snicker.}
Mike: Don't start! It's too early for that!

>and see what has waited for him for centuries to conquer and explore

Dani: Hmmm, that could be taken several ways. . .
Mike: What did I just say, young lady?
Dani: Sorry. I just had to say that!

>. . . and yet, still to wonder. Nevertheless, why wait? Why not now?

Servo: Why ask why?

>(We jump-cut to a view of a spaceship flying through space.

Dani: Well, where else would a spaceship be flying?
Crow: {deadpan} Wow. A jump-cut. What a surprise.

>Inside, two men are working at the control panel.)

>Captain: This is Captain J. S. Cody speaking, commander of the U.N.S.S.

Servo: U.N.S.S.?
Mike: "Useless Naming of Something Stupid."

>Pegasus 5, Lt. William Post, navigator. We are on a routine route to space station OW-9,

Dani: OW-9? What is it, some kind of medical station?

>flight pattern, Delta.

Crow: Burke.

>Mission Control (M.S.): Roger.

Mike: {Cody} No, I just told you, I'm Cody!

>Continue course until further notice. No meteor showers or comets reported in your area

Servo: Well, thank God there are no comets in his area!
Crow: And you think I'm bad?

>at this time. Over.

Dani: And suddenly we're in Armageddon!
Mike: Good movie.
Dani: Except for Joe Don Baker, of course.
Mike: Of course.
Servo: {sings} I don't wanna miss a thing. . .

>Narrator: (narrates) The astronomers of long ago could not predict what was going to happen. Neither could any of the scientists.

Crow: The astrologers, however, predicted the Age of Aquarius.
{Dani giggles.}

>But little did humankind know that it would soon be him and his amazing advances in the technology of science versus the unimaginable power of DEATH!!!

All but Corman: DEATH!!!
Dani: Death Becomes Her!
Mike: Masque of the Red Death!
Servo: Death of a Salesman!
Crow: Brought to you by the morticians everywhere!

>(Suddenly, a blip appears on the radar.)

Dani: Wow, I'm impressed.
Mike: It's Prince of Space!
Bots: Augh!

>Navigator: Captain! I have an unidentified object on viewer 5!

>Captain: What do you make of it?

>(A large, hand-shaped object appears on the radar.)

>Navigator: It looks like a hand!

Dani: {Post} We seem to have reached the first plot point, sir!

>Captain: It's impossible! Alter coordinates to point 620!

Mike: {Cody} Proceed directly into the danger zone, Post.
Dani: {Post} Aye, Captain!

>(Outside the ship, a giant clawed hand grabs the ship. The captain and the navigator scream.

Servo: {falsetto} He took my purse!

>The hand crushes the ship. Debris flies everywhere. Jump-cut to the moon.

All: Aaugh!
Crow: I bet that'll happen about 20 more times!
Servo: At least!

>In a base there, an elderly man [Dennis Howard] sits at a desk, waiting for his colleagues to join him. One of them, Wilson Stone, walks in.)

>Howard: Ah, Mr. Stone. I've been waiting for you. Do you know where your partner, Mr. Kimball, is?

Mike: It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your colleagues are?

>Stone: Not at the moment.

>(The door swooshes open.

Dani: Hey! When did we board the Enterprise?

>Mr. Albert Kimball walks in.)

>Kimball: All right, I'm here.

Servo: {Kimball} Now I'm gone! I'm the wind, baby!

>Now, could somebody please

Crow: Find me somebody to love?
Dani: The "Queen ref," ladies and gentlemen!

>tell me what's going on?

Mike and Dani: {sing} What's going on?

>I took a space train all the way from a medical convention in Beijing, so this had better be important!

Servo: So, in the future we go everywhere by train?
Dani: Sure looks like it.

>Howard: To the slightest detail. Gentlemen, you are both aware of what has happened up in outer space since last month?

>Stone: Everything's really normal, sir.

Mike: {Stone} Except for the space lobsters, sir.
{Dani and the bots laugh.}

>Not much else has happened.

>(Howard gets out a file from his cabinet and opens it.)

Crow: {Howard} Huh, you really are a complete moron, aren't you?

>Howard: Our ships have been being wiped out by some mysterious forces.

Dani: What the--oh, the space lobsters!

>As of January, seven ships have been destroyed without a trace.

Crow: Beaulieu?
{The others stare at Crow with confused expressions.}
Never mind.

>And do you know what they had in common?

Dani: Besides the fact that they were all SPACESHIPS?!Mike: Down, Dani!

>Kimball: (crosses arms) No. Humor me.

Crow: Okay, two midgets walk into a bar. . .
Mike: Stop right there!
Crow: {mumbles} Spoilsport.

>Howard: They all were transport ships, heading for space station OW-9.

Servo: Next to BOOBOO-12.

>Stone: That's the same station the Scorpio mission was rendezvousing >with!

Dani: {sings} Secret rendezvous. . .

>Howard: Precisely!

>Kimball: Wait a minute. . .

Mike: Cal Meetchum?

>What about the Taurus 1?

Dani: Uh, it's named for a constellation?

>They took off for the space station three days ago!

>Howard: I know. According to their recorder, which is hooked up to our base,

Crow: And wired for quad!

>They jettisoned in escape pods a few hours after they took off.

Dani: Hey! That's it! Escape pods!
Mike: Sorry. The bots trashed them all.
Dani: Man! I thought we could get outta here!

>No pods have been found yet.

>Stone: What do you want us to do, sir?

Servo: {Howard} I want you to get the hell out of my office!

>Howard: I want you to go up to that ship and find out what happened.

Servo: Oh.
{The other chuckle.}

>Two other agents of ours, Laughlin and Richardson, are already on the ship, investigating. I want you to rendezvous with them in one of our warships.

Mike: {Howard} Take the Warbird. I just had it waxed.
{Crow snickers.}

>And, if possible, I want you to land on the space station and discover and- if possible- destroy whatever is causing all this destruction. Your orders are complete.

Servo: And total crap.
Corman: So, uh, do you guys do this all the time?
Servo: Yeah.
Dani: Uh-huh.
Mike: Sure do.
Crow: Try it, it's fun!
Corman: Maybe later.

>I will keep in constant contact with your ship.

>Stone: Right, sir. We'll do our best.

Mike: Which isn't much.

>(They walk out. Jump-cut to a view of a rocket ship taking off.

All: Hey!
Crow: That's 3. . .

>Inside, Stone, Kimball, and their female crew member, Vicki Davis, are checking their instruments.)

Corman: Electric Guitar?
Dani: Check!
Corman: Bass Guitar?
Mike: Check!
Corman: Saxophone?
Crow: Check!
Corman: Keyboard?
Servo: Check!

>Kimball: This is crazy. Why must we have a female crew member?

Dani: {Davis} To be P.C.!

>Stone: Stop sulking, Al. She won't bite.

Crow: {Davis} Yes, I will!
Mike: Crow. . .
Crow: Oh, come on, there was nothing sexual about that remark!

>Davis: I'm just as happy about this as you are. Now, let's get some business done.

Dani: Say. . . !
Mike: Dani!
Servo: Geez, I don't know which one's worse!

>(Stone pushes a few buttons. Suddenly, a picture of the ship Taurus 1 appears on the screen.)

>Computer voice: Taurus 1, class-B spaceship, carrier of iron ores and cargo to outer space stations. Crew: 28. Latest trip: on route to Space Station OW-9.

Corman: Thirty miles east of BANDAIDE-3.

>Kimball: Punch up the space station.

Dani: Sure, I'll punch out the space station. And Davis, and Kimball, and Stone. . .
{The bots snicker.}

>That'll tell us some more.

>(A picture of Space Station OW-9 appears on the screen.)

Servo: I picture it as a giant band-aide.

>Computer voice: Space Station OW-9, outer station, 20,000 kilometers from earth. Crew: 391.

>Davis: Computer, what date did the Scorpio mission return to Space Station OW-9?

Corman: {Computer} Find out for yourself, you little tramp!

>Computer voice: Scorpio mission returned to base October 12. Station is now owned by Terry Phillips and Adam Morse, of the Kingsley Electronics department.

>Davis: Adam Morse? The millionaire?Mike: And his wife?
Dani: I'm calling no more Gilligan's Island refs!

>Stone: Hard to believe.

>Kimball: True enough.

All: Not!
Crow: So, Kimball's an Aussie now?

>Phillips and Morse bought the station for some unknown reason.

{Dani and Crow both start to speak. Mike clamps one hand over Dani's mouth and the other over Crow's beak.}
Mike: Will you two please try to behave?
{Both nod. Mike removes his hands.}

>I believe that their reason for hiding it will soon be revealed.

>(The computer beeps.

Crow: Beeper?
Dani: {confused} Who?
Mike: What are you talking about, Crow?
Crow: Forget it.

>Kimball presses a button.)

Corman: Bzzzt! Sherry, bring me a latte!

>Computer voice: Attention! Incoming message from base!

>Stone: Put it on audio.

>(Jump-cut to the base.

Crow: 4.
Dani: Quit counting them! It'll just make you crazy!

>Howard is standing next to a control panel, overlooking a technician.)

>Howard: This is moon base, calling rocket H-56. Do you read me?

Servo: {Kimball, confused} Who said that?

>Kimball: (voice) We read you. Over.

>Howard: White Sands has just sent me new orders: you are to send encoded messages as of 1800 hours.

Servo: Is it just me, or does this seem an awful lot like Rocketship X-M?

>We do not wish to let any civilian aircraft know of your mission. That is all. Over.

>(Jump-cut back to the ship.)

Crow: 5.
Dani: That's it!!
{She lunges at Crow. Mike barely manages to hold her back.}
Crow: Sorry, Dani.
{Dani grumbles and slouches in her seat.}

>Davis: Whew. This must be serious if we're being put on encoded messages from now on.

>Kimball: Set radio from open channel to code 63.

Mike: Do it yourself, big shot!

>Stone: Yes, sir!

>(He adjusts the radio. Jump-cut to later, same scene.)

{Crow starts to speak, glances over at Dani, and snaps his beak shut.}
Dani: {grumpily} 6 jump-cuts. And that one was a total waste!

>Kimball: Davis, how long have we been on flight pattern Delta?

Crow: Too damn long! Mike, I wanna leave!
Servo: Crow, we can't!
Corman: Are you sure we're stuck in here?
Mike: Yeah. Pearl's started activating the time-lock again.
Dani: Could one of you guys kill me now? Please?

>Davis: (checks computer) 14 hours, 22 minutes, 30 seconds.

Crow: So that's how long we've been stuck in here!
{He breaks down in tears. Mike wraps his arms around the golden bot.}
Dani: This is bad. This is really, really bad!

>Stone: Not much longer now.

Dani: Only another year!

>We'll be in contact

Corman: I loved Jodie Foster in that movie!

>with Taurus 1 any moment now.

>Davis: Taurus 1, on screen!

>(Taurus 1 is flying through space.)

Servo: I bet that's one hell of a screen saver!

>Kimball: Good. Prepare to radio Laughlin and Richardson and tell them of our further plans.

>(But suddenly,

Mike: In a completely different movie!
Servo: A shot rang out!
Dani: The maid screamed!
Corman: The plot totally lost everyone!
{Crow snickers.}

>a hand much like the one that destroyed the ship at the beginning grabs Taurus 1 and crushes it.

Corman: The space lobsters are back!
Dani: Quick, get the drawn butter!

>The explosion shakes the other rocket ship.

Servo: {sings} Shake, rattle, and roll!
{The others laugh.}

>Stone, Kimball, and Davis are knocked off their feet. The hand begins to go for the other rocket ship. Stone gets up and pushes a lever.

Dani: The ship explodes, the end.
Servo: Hey, that's my bit!
Dani: Sorry, couldn't resist!

>The ship speeds up. Stone presses another button, and the ship fires a laser at the hand. It crawls back in terror.

Mike: Yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip!
{Dani laughs.}

>Kimball gets up. Stone helps Davis to her seat.)

>Davis: That was close.

Corman: Uh, no, not really.
Dani: {monotone} Ladies and gentlemen, the action sequence.
{All boo and hiss.}

>Stone: We were lucky to get away with our lives.

{All laugh.}

>Now we need to report this to the base.

>Kimball: No. Not yet.

>Stone: Why not, pray tell?

>Kimball: We still need to find out about the space station.

>Stone: Kimball, do you realize just what happened back there? That- thing-

Servo: Look out, he's Shatnering!
{All scream.}

>could be waiting for us, waiting to kill us like it did Laughlin and Richardson!

Crow: {pulling away from Mike slightly} And that's bad because. . . ?

>Kimball: You must find the space station and figure out what happened to the others!

>Stone: Do what you like, but I'm reporting this to base.

Corman: I have the feeling that Stone was the guy who always got stuffed in his gym locker!

>Kimball: I am the commander of this mission. And I say we go back!

Servo: {Stone} And I say BITE ME!!
{The others laugh.}

>Stone: (reluctantly) All right. You are the commander.

>(Jump-cut to later.

Crow: 7 and holding.

>The rocket ship is still flying through space.)

>Stone: According to my calculations, we should be about 500 kilometers from the space station.

>Davis: The viewer confirms this.

>Kimball: We should probably begin landing procedures now.

Corman: Nah, just ram right into it!
{Servo laughs.}

>Davis: Sir, the main hangar is blocked!

>Kimball: What?

>Davis: Look!

Dani: It's Red Dwarf!

>(Stone and Kimball look at the screen. The hangar door is closed.)

>Stone: Well I'll be. This isn't much of a welcome.

Crow: Take a hint and get lost!

>Kimball: Well, it seems there is only one way in now. The emergency hangar. Davis!

Dani: {Davis} Bite me!

>Stone!

Mike: {Stone} Oh, what now?!

>Prepare for landing!

>(Davis walks up to the computer and opens a small hatch. She pulls out a key and puts it into a slot. She turns the key.)

Servo: Vroom, vroom!
{Corman laughs.}

>Kimball: turn the shift 180 degrees.

Crow: {Obi Wan Kinobe} Use the shift key, Luke!
Servo: Leave it to you to work a Star Wars ref in here!

>(Stone slowly turns the wheel.)

Dani: Today, Stone!

>Kimball: Wait until the station pulls us in with their tractor beam.

Mike: A John Deere tractor beam?
{The others groan.}
What?

>Stone: We can't get a reading.

>Kimball: What? Nothing? Not even a signal for us to follow in?

>Davis: Nothing, sir. I can't get a reading.

Corman: {Barf from Space Balls} Ourfatherwhoartinheavenhallowedbethynamethykingdomcomethywill--
{The others begin to laugh, interrupting the flow of words.}

>Kimball: Well, it seems that we'll have to maneuver in manually. Stone! Turn on the retro rockets!

>(Stone presses a button.

Dani: So. basically, disco isn't dead, hippies run the government, and bell bottoms are in vogue?
Crow: Uh. . . yeah.
Servo: At least it's not the 80s!
Mike: Hey!

>The ship propels over the surface. Just as the ship hovers over the emergency door, Stone stops pushing the button.)

>Kimball: Slowly maneuver in.

>(Stone presses another button.

Crow: {Dr. Forrester} Push the button, Frank!

>The ship slowly glides into the hangar.}

>Kimball: Slowly. . . slowly. . .

{Dani starts to speak, sees her brother glaring at her, and shuts her mouth quickly.}
Mike: Thank you.