Okay, just a few notes: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related character are the property of Best Brains, Inc. I do not work for BBI and I am not making any money off of this work. Danielle Nelson (or Dani), when she appears, is an incarnation of myself (well, sort of). Son of Corman is his own property. Thanks go out to Corman, who sent me this work to be MiSTed, and to several fellow Misties who appear in this work: Katjar, Sherrybot, Zelphi, Stargazerlord, Slip Up, TENAHA1, Vornoff, Steffi, Raven, and DelennB5. Thanks, gang!
{Season 9 Theme}
{1. . .2. . .3. . .4. . .5. . .6. . .Dogbone}
{Mike is lying on the counter. He is covered with a blanket and has his head resting on a pillow. His eyes are closed--he seems to be fast asleep. Servo is snuggled up against Mike's left shoulder and also seems to be asleep (he's snoring!). Crow and Gypsy enter and look at the two sleeping crew members.}
Crow: {quietly} How long have they been sleeping now?
Gypsy: {same as Crow} I think about 5 hours. Has it really been that bad lately?
Crow: {same} Yeah, ever since last month. She's been sending us movies every four hours! I'm amazed they lasted as long as they did.
Gypsy: {same} Oh. I'm glad I don't have to sit in there! {pause} Should we wake them?
Crow: {same} Yeah, we probably should. But, doesn't Mike look so innocent when he's sleeping?
Gypsy: {same} You're right, he does.
Crow: {shouts} Hey! Wake up!
{Mike and Servo scream and fall off the counter.}
Servo: {hovering up from the floor} Sheesh, Crow! Give a guy a little warning next time!
{Mike stands up. He still looks a little groggy, though.}
Crow: Feel better now?
Mike: A little, {mutters} except for the wake up call. {louder} I can't believe Pearl actually found a copy of MANOS: The Hands of Fate!
Servo: I can't believe she made me and Crow watch it again!
{Mads' Light flashes.}
Crow: Well, Ghengis Khan's older sister is calling right on schedule!
{Gypsy slithers out as Mike hits the button.}
{Castle Forrester}
{A crowd of protesters (consisting of several aliens and humans) carrying signs with various slogans are in the Great Hall. Pearl, Bobo, and the Observer are trying to avoid the group as much as possible.}
Protesters: PEARL FORRESTER UNFAIR! FREE THE SATELLITE CREW!
Pearl: Hello, Mike. We have a little, uh, problem down here.
Katjar: Oh, you've got more than a little problem, sister!
Sherrybot: Yeah, you've gotta deal with us!
Zelphi: {waving over the others} Hi, Mike!
{SOL}
Mike: ZELPHI?! What are you doing there?
{Castle Forrester}
Zelphi: Oh, Stargazerlord gave me a lift. Oh, and you won't believe who I ran into down here!
Stargazerlord: {moving to the front of the crowd} What she's trying to say is, we've decided to protest the way Pearl has been treating you guys since you've returned from the edge of the universe.
Zelphi: No, I was just gonna say that
{Delenn covers Zelphi's mouth quickly.}
Mmmmph!
TENAHA1: What Stargazerlord said!
Slip Up: {to TENAHA1} Who are those guys?
TENAHA1: {to Slip Up} Mike, Crow, and Servo. Remember, we told you about them?
Slip Up: Oh, yeah!
{The others stare at Slip Up.}
Sorry, I'm new here!
Vornoff: Hey, guys, let's not forget why we're here, okay?
Steffi: To protest the experiment?
Raven: To drive Pearl crazy with "You Might Be A Mistie If. . ." posts? Because I could come up with a good one. . .
Delenn: To kick ass and take names?
Katjar: Okay, Delenn, we'll do that too! Now, LET'S DO THIS RIGHT, PEOPLE!!
Stargazerlord: Ahem.
Katjar: Oops, sorry. People and aliens!
Stargazerlord: That's better.
Entire Group: PEARL FORRESTER UNFAIR!
Sherrybot: Subjecting helpless, imprisoned innocents to cheesy movies and poorly-written fanfiction is inhumane!
Pearl: Brain Guy, can you do something about them?
Observer: Right away, Pearl.
{Brain Guy sound effect. The protesters are silenced, although their mouths are still moving. Katjar for one is getting more and more exaggerated in her protesting.}
Pearl: Much better, thanks. Mike, do you remember a little story called The Venus Scout?
{SOL}
{Crow and Servo are running around, screaming frantically. Mike is staring out into space, looking very pale.}
Mike: {strained} Vaguely.
{Crow and Servo crash into each other and fall to the floor.}
{Castle Forrester}
Pearl: That's good, because I've made a little deal with Son of Corman. He has generously offered to send me the rest of The Venus Scout, as well as all the rest of The Venus Chronicles. Now, I am sending the conclusion of The Venus Scout to you. Snowball, do it.
{Brain Guy sound effect again. As this occurs, Katjar whacks Bobo over the head with her sign.}
{SOL}
{Crow is huddled against Mike and sobbing, but Servo seems perfectly fine now.}
Servo: Hey, Mike, that Zelphi's pretty cute! How do you know her?
Mike: Uh, we met out at the edge of the universe.
Servo: You met her, or you dated her?
Mike: Well, it was a very brief relationship. . .
Servo: You let a girl like that get away?! ARE YOU INSANE?!
Crow: Son of Corman and Pearl Forrester. I had hoped this would never come to pass.
{Movie Sign--lights flash, sirens wail, you know the drill!}
Mike: WE'VE GOT CORMAN SIGN!
Servo: Hey, you didn't answer my question!
{6. . .5. . .4. . .3. . .2. . .1. . .Theater}
Servo: So, are you?
Mike: Am I what?
Servo: Insane?
Mike: Look, I don't want to talk about it!
Crow: You sound a little, I don't know, bitter, Mike.
Mike: Let's just drop it, guys.
>The Venusian: (voice) And yet, you cannot construct another bomb. Your elements are limited.
Mike: I guess he's never seen the Periodic Table of Elements.
>Soon there will be as end to your race.
Mike: The Germans?
Servo: The Spanish?
Crow: The French?
>Colman: No. You will not stop us. We are humans.
Crow: Really? I thought you were just a bunch of chumps.
Servo: I thought Colman was a bank robber.
Mike: For about a minute. Now he's just a complete idiot!
>We will fight to the last breathe.
{Mike exhales loudly.}
Servo: {Colman} War's over, you win!
{Crow chuckles.}
>We will never give in to you. We will never betray our people. We have worked for thousands of centuries to gain our spot in history, and we shall not let you take over. We shall prevail!
Wade and Ned: The Nanites. . . United. . . Will Never Be Defeated!
Servo: --the hell?!
Mike: What are you guys doing in here?
Wade: We're-bored.
Crow: Well, why don't you repair the Hexfield View Screen or update the ship's power core or something?
Ned: Sure. Sounds-like-fun.
{The Nanites exit.}
Servo: {shaking his head} Pathetic!
>The Venusian: (voice) For those words, you and your comrade's deaths will be indescribable!!!
Servo: Whoa! Go easy on the punctuation, boy!
>Soon, humans, you will be at an end!
>(The Venusian disappears.
Mike: It's the Amazing Ra--
Crow: No, Mike!
>The humans look at each other.)
>Jackson: the closest antimatter device is 3 miles from here.
Crow: Looks like the shift key got lost again!
>If we only could get to it, so that we could convert it into a bomb.
Servo: Huh?
Mike: Don't try to make sense of it. It won't help anything.
>Colman: I think we should go in groups.
{All snicker.}
Crow: Sure, Ralph and Cissy in one group, all the adults in the other!
Mike: I want Evelyn in my group!
Zelphi's voice: {tearful} Oh, Mike! I can't believe you would say that!
Female voice (Dani): Oh, trust me, he would!
{The guys are all silent.}
Servo: The hell was that?
Crow: I recognized the Andromedan's voice, but who was the other one?
>Jackson: That would be best. Rodriguez and I will stay here and take care of the equipment.
Mike: {Jackson} It needs to be fed twice a day.
>Evelyn: I'll stay and watch over the children.
Ralph: Does that mean we can play?
Crow: Can we please jump-cut those kids into a black hole?
Servo: Crow, we haven't even hit a jump-cut yet!
Crow: {under his breath} Give it a minute.
>(Evelyn smiles.)
>Colman: The other base may be full of more equipment and vegetation. I'll need someone to come who can help me bring back the goods.
>Roger: I'll come.
{Crow snickers.}
Mike: Crow. . .
Crow: Oh, come on! It's practically begging me to say something!
Mike: {sternly} No.
>You'll need someone to guard you on the way there, anyhow.
Servo: He's doomed.
>Colman: All right. Let's go.
>(They pack their knapsacks. Jump-cut to the surface.
Crow: SEE! It's jump-cut city all over again!
Mike: Be strong, Crow. Be strong.
>The Venusian materializes a radio out of nothing.
Servo: The Amazing Rando!
Crow: Servo!
{Mike laughs.}
Mike: Hey, I knew I wasn't the only one thinking it!
>He turns a few dials.
Servo: {sings} It's been one week since you looked at me. . .
Mike: {sings} I know who I want to take me home. . .
Crow: {sings} Nothing's right, I'm torn. . .
>The static soon turns into a mechanized voice.)
Servo: {AOL voice} You've got mail!
{Crow snickers.}
>Annihilator: (voice) Annihilator, main extension, zeal-2,
Mike: UB-40.
Crow: B52.
Servo: U2.
>receiving call from Earth scout. I await your order for countdown.
>The Venusian: Delay! Delay!
{All laugh.}
Crow: Are we on Fantasy Island now?
>Annihilator: (voice) Once again, the plan must be postponed. What preconceives your vision, Earth Venusian?
Servo: Earth Venusian? Isn't that an oxymoron?
>The Venusian: The way is not clear entirely for our people. It seems that 7 earth people out of the 6 billion were spared miraculously
Crow: Plot crap!
and plan to resist for some time. My Venusian adapting ray could not reach their base, and I suspect it is deep underground.
Mike: Excuses, excuses.
Crow: It's all Linda Tripp's fault!
>Annihilator: (voice) And what keeps you from finding and destroying their base? Where are the other soldiers.
Servo: They left, and they took all their question marks with them!
>The Venusian: The humans have mastered antimatter energy and plan to create another bomb. The other soldiers were destroyed by this awesome power.
24)Crow: {deadpan} It was awesome.
{Servo snickers.}
>I request for another battalion to land at once.
>Annihilator: (voice)
Mike: {Annihilator} We've thought about it, and no.
>Granted. I shall lead them them myself. The Earthmen's final hour approaches. Over and out.
>(The voice fades to static. The Venusian flies off again. Jump-cut
{Crow screams.}
Servo: Hold on, I'll fix it. *ahem* "Jump-cut to the center of the sun, where the seven humans and the Sailor Venus wannabe are burnt to ashes. The end." Better?
Crow: *sniff* Kinda. Thanks, Servo.
Servo: No problem.
>to the opening of the tunnel. Roger and Colman get out.)
>Colman: It'll take us a few days to find the other underground base.
>Roger: And now that the Venusian knows we exist, we'll have to stay together.
Servo: {sings} Like whomp bomp a loo bop a dippity dip di dip!
>(They walk off. Jump-cut to the Venusian's base. He materializes the radio again.
{Mike and Servo both open their mouths.}
Crow: No!
>Once more, the Annihilator receives his message.)
>Annihilator: (voice) This is Annihilator, zeal-2
Servo: Zestfully clean.
{Mike smothers a laugh.}
>receiving message. Continue report, Scout.
Servo: {Sailor Venus} On behalf of Planet Venus. . .
Mike: Not THAT report!
Servo: Oh, darn!
>The Venusian: I need proof of their existence, Annihilator. I have scan checked by the smallest square millimeter, and yet, I cannot find an opening.
{Mike and Crow snicker.}
Servo: Mike? Not you, too!
Mike: I can't help it. I keep having flashbacks from the last time!
>Annihilator: (voice) Your time is half up.
Crow: Halftime's over? I missed the cheerleaders!
>We will arrive on your planet in 24 hours.
>The Venusian: If only I could find a way to locate the last humans!
Servo: Is he talking to us?
{Mike shrugs.}
>Annihilator: (voice) Use your energizer to locate the exact location.
Mike: {Annihilator} It keeps going and going and going. . .
>The Venusian: And I combine the energizer with the Venus forming ray, so it will tell where the surface area is the weakest?
>Annihilator: (voice) Precisely! Find them, and we shall destroy them!
The Venusian: Don't worry, Annihilator. The humans shall be located by the Venus forming ray. Over and out.
>(The radio dematerializes.
Crow: Why doesn't he just turn it off?
Servo: Because that would make sense.
>Jump-cut to the forest.
{Crow whimpers.}
Mike: Crow? Are you okay?
Crow: Jumpcutjumpcutjumpcutjumpcut. . .
{Mike wraps his arms around Crow and attempts to comfort the bot.}
>Colman and Roger are hacking their way through the forest.)
Crow: Jumpcutjumpcutjumpcutjumpcut. . .
Servo: Mike, get him outta here now!
Mike: Come on, Crow.
{Mike picks up Crow, who is still endlessly repeating the phrase "jump-cut", and carries him out of the theater. Servo returns his attention to the script.}
>Colman: These woods seem familiar. I think we're almost there.
Servo: Mike! It's getting worse!
{Mike returns to get Servo.}
Mike: Come on.
{Mike picks up Servo and they exit the theater.}
{1. . .2. . .3. . .4. . .5. . .6. . .Dogbone.}