SOULTAKER

Opening Host Segment: Mike welcomes us to the Satellite of Love, as per usual, then realizes that he has stuck his hands in something cold and wet. Seems he’s stumbled into the bots’ wet T-shirt contest, which Crow’s T-shirt won (the guys just don’t get it--they’ve simply soaked the T-shirts to find out how much they absorb. Poor deluded dears….). Mike says he needs to have a talk with his bots and cues the commercial, but, uh, nothing happens. He tries again, but Servo just is not a patient bot and tries to leave. Mike hits the lights on the counter, which seems to kick things into gear a little. Meanwhile, outside the SOL, a mysterious ship lurks nearby….

Host Segment 1: The Satellite is malfunctioning quite nicely at this point. Crow tried to get a cup of coffee from the synthesizer and ended up with corn nibblets instead (luckily, he takes his corn black--huh?) Pearl, Brain Guy, and Bobo don’t care--they’re busy playing Monopoly [Femme’s Note: Wait a minute, didn’t I include Monopoly in one of my mistings? This is all so déjà vu….]. Gypsy waltzes onto the bridge to inform the guys that life support is failing--and she seems to be malfunctioning along with everything else (“Just thought you stupid idiots would like to know…. Cram it, meat puppet! I don’t have time to deal with your constant whiny crap!”). Pearl and Brain Guy still don’t give a rat’s ass, but Bobo (surprisingly) acts as a voice of reason (“We have to do something! Otherwise, they’ll die, and then we’ll have no one to play with!”). Pearl decides to send them the bomb of a movie that is Soultaker to take their minds off the rapidly decaying satellite (while she’s talking, Bobo steals some money from her pile). Brain Guy acts aloof again, and Pearl twists his eye until he sends up the movie.

Host Segment 2: Gypsy returns to inform them that life support is still failing, and also that there is a mysterious ship keeping orbit with them. Since she is still malfunctioning and has quite a bit of ‘tude, Crow and Servo turn command over to Mike. Big mistake. All he can do is look at it on the Hexfield and give orders to increase magnification (which they don’t have), raise shields (“What’s he smoking?”), and fire photon torpedoes (they did have one, but Crow set it off in Mike’s locker as a joke). Since they can do nothing, Mike orders the Hexfield closed, and breaks it.

Host Segment 3: Just when Mike thinks that nothing else can go wrong (well, he’s fixed everything that he could find wrong--uh-oh!), EVERYTHING goes wrong!! Pearl is no help because a soultaker has appeared in Castle Forrester and is trying to take Bobo’s soul! Brain Guy is useless as usual, so Pearl takes charge of the situation. The soultaker removes his hood--and turns out to be none other than TV’s Frank!!! Yep, he’s dead, but he didn’t stay in Second Banana Heaven for long--it’s just so political there! Then he was an angel for a while but got in trouble for appearing to people as Della Reese (“Scared the hell out of them!”), so now he’s in soultaking. Bobo recovers and tells Pearl that he had a nightmare where a horrible man with white hair was trying to steal his soul, then realizes that it wasn’t a dream, flees in terror, and knocks himself out again. Meanwhile, the mystery ship has saved the SOL from crashing into Earth’s atmosphere with a tractor beam. There is no time to figure things out because it’s MOVIE SIGN!!!

Host Segment 4: Crow and Servo are discussing the possible reasons that the mystery ship is helping them. Crow’s theory? “They’re toying with us.” The demand of “WHO ARE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU?” prompts the pilot of the ship to make an appearance, and Crow makes the obvious statement: “Oh, it’s just Joel… JOEL!!!” Turns out our old buddy Joel has been keeping himself rather busy since he left the SOL and crash-landed in the Australian outback [Femme’s Note: I’m kinda surprised he never mentioned meeting this crazy little Australian guy named Steve Irwin….], the latest activity being manager of a hot fish shop. Mike pops in and gets to talk to Joel for a few minutes (“I’m wearing your tube socks.”) before Gypsy, who is still malfunctioning tells them to keep it down. Joel gives her a friendly “hello” and gets a “bite me” in return.

Ending Host Segment: Joel has managed to fix everything on the satellite, including the patch job Mike did using bacon [Femme’s Note: Was it Canadian bacon?]. As he leaves, Mike and the bots beg him to take them along, but Joel declines, saying that the years he spent on the SOL were the best years of his life, and he wouldn’t want the guys to miss out on a minute of it [Femme’s Note: My theory is that there was only room for one in that ship. Did it look like the Deus Ex Machina to anyone else?]. Joel leaves, and Mike and the bots go into “manly mode”. Meanwhile, is Castle Forrester, Frank realizes that his butt is toast because he hasn’t brought in a single soul yet! Pearl graciously offers to let Frank take her soul, but he declines. Brain Guy is a total waste of time because he has no body [Femme’s Note: See the guide for Episode #1012--Squirm for comment on the “no body” deal.]. Bobo, however, is willing to let Frank take his soul since he’s not using it anyways. After Bobo’s soul is safely stored in the ring, he and Frank play Ring Toss with it. Pearl is happy that the two are getting along so well.

Stinger: Natalie’s mom/Joe Estevez peeping through the bathroom door--instant therapy for a year.

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