>Jackson: I shall go do it. He may guard me if he likes, but I'll do it. I can hook it up to the station and give it a boost.
>Shayjac: Good. You learn quickly, earth man, unlike your colleagues.
{Dani pulls away from Mike and wipes her eyes.}
Dani: I'm okay now.
Mike: You sure?
Dani: Yeah. It's just that this thing sucks so much. . .
Mike: I know.
>Neutor: (pushes Jackson along with gun) Go on.
>(Quick view of Pollock as a dancer now.
Corman: And that's significant--how?
Crow: They just wanted a close-up of her boo--
{Mike clamps Crow's beak shut.}
Mike: I don't know what would be worse: Letting them say what they want or reading this without interruption!
>Fade out. Later that evening, Stone and Davis are sitting next to each other.
Crow: Yay! Time for the gratuitous sex scene!
{Dani starts laughing.}
Servo: Crow!
Mike: {covers his ears} I not listening, I can't hear you. . .
>Kimball is next to them, asleep on a pillow. Neutor walks by with his gun.)
>Davis: Oh, Wilson, I'm so frightened about what will happen. Three people are already dead, and poor Pollock is changed forever changed.
>Stone: Don't worry. Jackson told me had a plan to put the aliens at our mercy.
>Neutor: What are you talking about? Go to sleep!
>Stone: All right.
Corman: Wimp.
{Servo snickers.}
>Davis: All right. Good night, Wilson.
>Stone: Good night, Vicki.
>(They go to sleep.
Dani: Rats!
Crow: I was hoping
{Mike glares at him}
never mind.
>Fade out to M.S. Howard is pacing, waiting for the report.)
>Howard: Where could they be?
>Technician: Sir, Space Station OW-9 has moved out of orbit, sir.
Mike: {technician} It's been moved beyond SPRAIN-7, sir.
>Howard: What? Where?
Corman: Who?
Servo: When?
Mike: Why?
Dani: How?
>Technician: Toward the Scorpion Constellation.
Dani: It's called SCORPIO, dammit!!
{Dani collapses in frustration. She falls out of her seat and hits the floor with a *thump*.}
Crow: Dani? You okay, hon?
{no answer}
Oh, great!
>(Jump-cut to the next morning.
Crow: And now it's 13! Hey, Mike, can you pick your sister up off the floor?
Mike: Oh, okay.
{Mike disappears from view.}
>The aliens and our heros have woken up, and they are now looking at the visual screen. Their planets are on the viewers.)
{Mike reappears with Dani, who is still out cold. He sets her back into her seat.}
>Shayjac: Ah, our home!
Corman: It's a real fixer-upper!
Servo: Zing!
{Dani comes to and places her hand on her head.}
Dani: Ow. Did I miss much?
Crow: No.
Dani: Damn, I was hoping I'd sleep through the rest of it!
>Neutor: The Masters will be pleased.
Crow: {Torgo} tHe MaStEr WiLl ApPrOvE.
Dani: {stares at Crow} Don't do that.
Crow: {normal} Why?
Dani: Because it's freaky, that's why!
>Davis: What are you planning to do to us?
>Shayjac: We will send more of our people into you.
{Dani turns very pale.}
Dani: I'm going to be seriously ill.
>Soon you will help us take over your world.
>Kimball: Never!
>Neutor: I see that he shall be hard to conquer. His mind is too strong.
>Stone: I thought you said you could go into anybody.
>Shayjac: Not everybody.
Servo: He's contradicting himself!
Corman: Boo!
>Only those with a mind equal or greater than our intelligence. Any minds smaller would be killed by the strain of knowledge.
Crow: Then they shouldn't waste their time with Stone!
>Neutor: We approach our planet. We are slightly off course. Slow down.
>(The station does not slow down.)
>Neutor: (slightly worried) Slow down. Slow down!
Mike: This makes for gripping cinema.
Dani: Not.
>Shayjac: What is wrong?
>Neutor: We cannot stop! We won't be able to pass through the planets?
Servo: Why are you asking us? We don't care!
Dani: At least now we'll get to see an explosion!
>Jackson: I do not plan to have you land, but to crash!
>Stone: An intergalactic game of chicken! Good show!
{All whistle and cheer.}
Corman: Do it!
Mike: Slam into the planets!
>Jackson: Only I know the code to stop the ship.
>Shayjac: Tell us!
>Jackson: Not before you give me the weapon you have.
>(They look out the window. The planet is getting closer.)
Dani: Quit stalling and just kill 'em all!
Crow: {chants} Crash, crash, crash, crash. . .
>Neutor: Never!
>(The planet is getting dangerously close.)
Servo: Any day now!
>Jackson: Well? You only have twenty seconds, according to my watch. I can only stop it at five seconds.
>Shayjac: Hand him the gun!
>(The planet is too close to handle. Neutor tosses the gun to Jackson.)
>Jackson: Computer, enter code Zarkov, AGA 12.
>(The station stops.
All: Aww!
>Jackson grabs Neutor and puts his gun to his back.)
>Jackson: Now, turn us around and send us back to our planet.
>Neutor: (winks at Shayjac) Right.
Crow: Psst! Dani! Did you catch that?
Dani: Sure did!
Mike: Don't even start. We've had quite enough of that for one day!
>(Shayjac presses a button. Outside, the hand smacks the side of the station. The people fall all over.
Dani: Can no one in this story remain standing for more than two minutes?
{Servo laughs.}
>Neutor grabs the gun and aims it at Jackson. Kimball hits Shayjac and they keep hitting each other. Finally, Shayjac stops him.)
>Kimball: You don't deserve to live, you scum!
Mike: Krankor?
>Shayjac: You overlooked our monster. It can do anything we wish.
Crow: Can it play Monopoly?
Dani: Crow, Servo can't even play Monopoly right!
Servo: Yeah, I--hey!
>Now, one false move, anybody, and I will kill you!
Corman: Promises, promises.
Mike: What page are we on?
Dani: {checks screen} The bottom of page 11.
Mike: Okay, we can make it.
Crow: No, we can't! This is gonna kill us, Mike! Dani's already passed out once because it's too damn FRUSTRATING!
Dani: Calm down, Crow! Take a deep breathe and relax!
{Crow cowers slightly and huddles up against Mike.}
Mike: It'll be okay, Crow. I promise.
>As for you, Kimball, you shall be the first to die!
Dani: Finally!
Corman: Woohoo!
>Neutor, contact the masters through brain waves now.
>Neutor: Right.
>(Neutor stands still. He concentrates. Strange, mystical music can be played at this point.)
Crow: Uh, thanks, but no.
Servo: I keep thinking of Yanni for some reason.
>Kimball: What is he doing?
Mike: {Shayjac} Trying to freak you out. Why, is it working?
{Dani laughs.}
>Shayjac: He is talking to our leaders through his mind. His brain, like all my species brains, has that power.
>(Finally, Shayjac snaps out of his trance.)
Servo: Ah, football practice!
>Neutor: The masters have prepared for our plan.
Crow: I keep having Torgo flashbacks.
Corman: Who's Torgo?
Mike: You don't want to know. Trust me.
>They say
Dani: {sings as Lisa Loeb} I only hear what I want to. . .
>That we may lead to our planets' coordinates.
Servo: I, uh, think you missed a word or two there.
>Shayjac: Right. Take the man called Kimball to the radio. He will call them and tell them that our planets are suitable for colonizing.
>Stone: No, Al! Stop!
>Davis: Please, don't! For the sake of humanity!
>Kimball: I must. He has a gun on me.
Mike: Oh. Then by all means destroy the human race!
>(THey walk off.)
Servo: . . . the station and out into space. They die instantly. The end.
{Corman applauds.}
Crow: I wish!
>Shayjac: (laughs) See how strong your leader is now.
>(Jump-cut to the rocket ship.
Dani: 14 jump-cuts.
Crow: Can somebody just shut me down completely?
Human Crew: No.
>Kimball gets on the radio and adjusts it.
Corman: {Kimball} There! Now we can get Alanis Morrisette 24-7!
Dani: That's evil.
Corman: Thank you.
>Jump-cut to M.S.
Mike: 15.
Dani: Hey, Crow, I'll drag you out the airlock with me, okay?
Crow: Sure!
Mike: {placing his hands on Dani's and Crow's arms} No one is jumping out the airlock!
>the panel begins beeping.
Corman: Was that a whole new idea or a continuation of the jump-cut?
Servo: Beats me.
>The technician turns it on.)
>Technician: Sir, a message from the station!
>Howard: (excited)
{Dani and Crow start to speak.}
Mike: No.
>Yes. Turn it on!
>Kimball: (voice) Howard? This is Albert Kimball. I'm calling from the space station.
>Howard: Yes? Go on! Where are you?
>Kimball: (voice) I'm at the Scorpio Constellation.
Dani: Thank you! Finally!
>Phillips and Morse took me here to prepare for landing there.
Crow: Did that sentence make any sense to you guys?
Corman: Nope.
Servo: Not a bit.
>Howard: What about the problem?
>Kimball: (voice) That? Well, we found out it was a meteor. Pretty large. We destroyed it in a couple of seconds.
>(Jump-cut back to the rocket ship.
Crow: 16.
>Neutor is listening to all of this.)
>Kimball: Anyway, we're ready for colony ships to land here. Mr. Morse and Mr. Phillips showed us this.
>Howard: (voice) Good! We've had the ships ready for some time to launch. But how do I. . .
Dani: {sings} live without you, I want to know. . .
>(Neutor gets on the radio.)
Mike: Bad Neutor! Down, boy!
{The others laugh.}
>Neutor: Howard, this is Terry Phillips.
Servo: Oh, dear God, not again!
Dani: Maybe he has a multiple personality disorder?
>We're staying to guide the ships here, if it's possible to take them here.
>(Jump-cut back to M.S.)
Crow: 17.
>Howard: Well, it's positive ID that you're really Terry Phillips. Okay. The ships will be coming in a few hours. We'll send our fastest models. Out.
>(Jump-cut to the rocket ship again.)
Crow: And 18.
Dani: Hey! The jump-cuts are getting closer together!
Servo: There must be a minimum requirement of 20 jump-cuts per screenplay!
>Neutor: All right. Let's go.
Bots: Auugh!
Dani: What the hell. . . ?
Mike: Don't ask.
>(Jump-cut back to the control room.
Crow: 19 jump-cuts.
>Shayjac has the people under guard when Neutor and Kimball walk in.)
>Neutor: They'll be here in a few hours.
>Shayjac: Good.
Dani: Bye!
{She stands to leave.}
Corman: Uh, Dani? The door's locked again. Remember?
Dani: I can pick the lock.
Mike: That's nice, hon. And how will you breathe?
{Dani thinks about that. She sits back down.}
Dani: I forgot that part.
>Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think we have an interesting show for you before they come.
>(The planets appear on the screen. Behind the planets are the arms of the giant creatures.)
>Shayjac: Here you see our world. Part of our domain which no man shall ever see again. It is the last thing you which you will see in this life.
>(He presses a button.
Servo: Geez, it is Frank!
>A giant hand draws closer to the ship.)
>Kimball: What do you plan to do?
>Neutor: You shall be fodder for the monsters!
>Shayjac: You're first, Mr. Kimball. Get a move on!
Crow: {Kimball} I'd rather get a groove on, thanks!
>(Neutor pushes Kimball out the door. The others follow. Jump-cut to the airlock.
Corman: {sighs} 20.
>Kimball is tied up again.)
>Shayjac: And now, Mr. Kimball, we bid the farewell.
Dani: "Bid the farewell"?
Mike: I think it's supposed to say "bid thee farewell".
Dani: Who cares? It's still lame!
>(Outside, the monster gets so impatient that it hits the side of the ship. A pipe bursts, and goo flies all over Shayjac's hand.
All: Ewwwww!
>Jackson runs up to a panel and pushes a switch. A volt of electricity shacks the hand away.)
>Jackson: Are you badly hurt?
>Shayjac: I might die. . .
{All cheer.}
>I must have another body. . .
Dani: How do you think I feel, pal?
Mike: Danielle. . .
Dani: What? What did I say?
{Mike sighs and shakes his head.}
Crow: She's your sister, Mike.
Mike: Shut up.
>Jackson: I think we can save you if we get some proper medical equipment. Come on.
>(The others help carry Shayjac off.
Corman: Carry him off the space station?
Servo: Yesss!
>Jump-cut to the control room.
Crow: Hey, that's 21!
Dani: If we were playing Blackjack, that would be a good thing.
>Jackson is bandaging the arm.)
>Jackson: I think the only way now we can save you is if we could switch bodies. You have the knowledge, right?
>Shayjac: Right.
>Jackson: Good. Then, when I'm in your body,
{Mike looks first at Crow, then at Dani.}
Dani and Crow: What?
Mike: Just checking.
>I can keep it worked out until you can get into your body again.
>Dani: Okay, I'll be the first person to admit I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but that made no sense whatsoever!
Mike: I guess you have to be there to get it.
>(Jackson and Shayjac walk up next to the calcination-atomization tube. Jackson opens it slightly. He winks at Stone.)
Crow: Say--
Mike: NO!
>Jackson: Begin.
>(Shayjac puts his hand on Jackson's brain. But at that moment, Stone pushes the button that activates the ray. It affects Jackson, and he becomes dumber as a result of his de-evolution.
Corman: How can a moron become any dumber than he already is?!
>This also causes Shayjac to scream. Neutor fires at Jackson, and he turns into a pile of bones.
Dani: Nah, I've already done that one.
Mike: Dani!
Dani: I didn't say anything!
>Shayjac falls over, dead. The others run off.
Servo: . . . the bridge and plummet down the elevator shaft. The end.
>Neutor follows them. They run down the long corridor. Shayjac keeps firing at the others.
Dani: Hey! He's dead!
Crow: Whoa! Space Mutiny flashback!
>Stone opens the door to the jungle room,
Crow: Ah--no, I'll wait.
>and they run in with Neutor still inside. Meanwhile, in the jungle room,
Mike: {sings} And I was walking in Memphis. . .
{Dani giggles.}
>the natives are still dancing when our heros and Neutor comes in.
Servo: Looks like the grammar check finally up and died.
>Kimball ducks behind a tree.
Crow: What a wimp!
>Davis and Stone keep running. Suddenly, in the control room, the acid from Shayjac's wounds falls on the main calcination-atomization device.
Servo: Did they forget to include a jump-cut there?
>It explodes and shakes the entire ship. Neutor accidentally hits the statue, and it goes up in flames. The walls fall on Davis and Stone. Kimball begins to rush off.)
>Stone: Kimball!
>Davis: Please. . . help us. . .
Servo: I said it once, I'll say it again: STOP SHATNERING!