>Jackson: I shall go do it. He may guard me if he likes, but I'll do it. I can hook it up to the station and give it a boost.

>Shayjac: Good. You learn quickly, earth man, unlike your colleagues.

{Dani pulls away from Mike and wipes her eyes.}
Dani: I'm okay now.
Mike: You sure?
Dani: Yeah. It's just that this thing sucks so much. . .
Mike: I know.

>Neutor: (pushes Jackson along with gun) Go on.

>(Quick view of Pollock as a dancer now.

Corman: And that's significant--how?
Crow: They just wanted a close-up of her boo--
{Mike clamps Crow's beak shut.}
Mike: I don't know what would be worse: Letting them say what they want or reading this without interruption!

>Fade out. Later that evening, Stone and Davis are sitting next to each other.

Crow: Yay! Time for the gratuitous sex scene!
{Dani starts laughing.}
Servo: Crow!
Mike: {covers his ears} I not listening, I can't hear you. . .

>Kimball is next to them, asleep on a pillow. Neutor walks by with his gun.)

>Davis: Oh, Wilson, I'm so frightened about what will happen. Three people are already dead, and poor Pollock is changed forever changed.

>Stone: Don't worry. Jackson told me had a plan to put the aliens at our mercy.

>Neutor: What are you talking about? Go to sleep!

>Stone: All right.

Corman: Wimp.
{Servo snickers.}

>Davis: All right. Good night, Wilson.

>Stone: Good night, Vicki.

>(They go to sleep.

Dani: Rats!
Crow: I was hoping
{Mike glares at him}
never mind.

>Fade out to M.S. Howard is pacing, waiting for the report.)

>Howard: Where could they be?

>Technician: Sir, Space Station OW-9 has moved out of orbit, sir.

Mike: {technician} It's been moved beyond SPRAIN-7, sir.

>Howard: What? Where?

Corman: Who?
Servo: When?
Mike: Why?
Dani: How?

>Technician: Toward the Scorpion Constellation.

Dani: It's called SCORPIO, dammit!!
{Dani collapses in frustration. She falls out of her seat and hits the floor with a *thump*.}
Crow: Dani? You okay, hon?
{no answer}
Oh, great!

>(Jump-cut to the next morning.

Crow: And now it's 13! Hey, Mike, can you pick your sister up off the floor?
Mike: Oh, okay.
{Mike disappears from view.}

>The aliens and our heros have woken up, and they are now looking at the visual screen. Their planets are on the viewers.)

{Mike reappears with Dani, who is still out cold. He sets her back into her seat.}

>Shayjac: Ah, our home!

Corman: It's a real fixer-upper!
Servo: Zing!
{Dani comes to and places her hand on her head.}
Dani: Ow. Did I miss much?
Crow: No.
Dani: Damn, I was hoping I'd sleep through the rest of it!

>Neutor: The Masters will be pleased.

Crow: {Torgo} tHe MaStEr WiLl ApPrOvE.
Dani: {stares at Crow} Don't do that.
Crow: {normal} Why?
Dani: Because it's freaky, that's why!

>Davis: What are you planning to do to us?

>Shayjac: We will send more of our people into you.

{Dani turns very pale.}
Dani: I'm going to be seriously ill.

>Soon you will help us take over your world.

>Kimball: Never!

>Neutor: I see that he shall be hard to conquer. His mind is too strong.

>Stone: I thought you said you could go into anybody.

>Shayjac: Not everybody.

Servo: He's contradicting himself!
Corman: Boo!

>Only those with a mind equal or greater than our intelligence. Any minds smaller would be killed by the strain of knowledge.

Crow: Then they shouldn't waste their time with Stone!

>Neutor: We approach our planet. We are slightly off course. Slow down.

>(The station does not slow down.)

>Neutor: (slightly worried) Slow down. Slow down!

Mike: This makes for gripping cinema.
Dani: Not.

>Shayjac: What is wrong?

>Neutor: We cannot stop! We won't be able to pass through the planets?

Servo: Why are you asking us? We don't care!
Dani: At least now we'll get to see an explosion!

>Jackson: I do not plan to have you land, but to crash!

>Stone: An intergalactic game of chicken! Good show!

{All whistle and cheer.}
Corman: Do it!
Mike: Slam into the planets!

>Jackson: Only I know the code to stop the ship.

>Shayjac: Tell us!

>Jackson: Not before you give me the weapon you have.

>(They look out the window. The planet is getting closer.)

Dani: Quit stalling and just kill 'em all!
Crow: {chants} Crash, crash, crash, crash. . .

>Neutor: Never!

>(The planet is getting dangerously close.)

Servo: Any day now!

>Jackson: Well? You only have twenty seconds, according to my watch. I can only stop it at five seconds.

>Shayjac: Hand him the gun!

>(The planet is too close to handle. Neutor tosses the gun to Jackson.)

>Jackson: Computer, enter code Zarkov, AGA 12.

>(The station stops.

All: Aww!

>Jackson grabs Neutor and puts his gun to his back.)

>Jackson: Now, turn us around and send us back to our planet.

>Neutor: (winks at Shayjac) Right.

Crow: Psst! Dani! Did you catch that?
Dani: Sure did!
Mike: Don't even start. We've had quite enough of that for one day!

>(Shayjac presses a button. Outside, the hand smacks the side of the station. The people fall all over.

Dani: Can no one in this story remain standing for more than two minutes?
{Servo laughs.}

>Neutor grabs the gun and aims it at Jackson. Kimball hits Shayjac and they keep hitting each other. Finally, Shayjac stops him.)

>Kimball: You don't deserve to live, you scum!

Mike: Krankor?

>Shayjac: You overlooked our monster. It can do anything we wish.

Crow: Can it play Monopoly?
Dani: Crow, Servo can't even play Monopoly right!
Servo: Yeah, I--hey!

>Now, one false move, anybody, and I will kill you!

Corman: Promises, promises.
Mike: What page are we on?
Dani: {checks screen} The bottom of page 11.
Mike: Okay, we can make it.
Crow: No, we can't! This is gonna kill us, Mike! Dani's already passed out once because it's too damn FRUSTRATING!
Dani: Calm down, Crow! Take a deep breathe and relax!
{Crow cowers slightly and huddles up against Mike.}
Mike: It'll be okay, Crow. I promise.

>As for you, Kimball, you shall be the first to die!

Dani: Finally!
Corman: Woohoo!

>Neutor, contact the masters through brain waves now.

>Neutor: Right.

>(Neutor stands still. He concentrates. Strange, mystical music can be played at this point.)

Crow: Uh, thanks, but no.
Servo: I keep thinking of Yanni for some reason.

>Kimball: What is he doing?

Mike: {Shayjac} Trying to freak you out. Why, is it working?
{Dani laughs.}

>Shayjac: He is talking to our leaders through his mind. His brain, like all my species brains, has that power.

>(Finally, Shayjac snaps out of his trance.)

Servo: Ah, football practice!

>Neutor: The masters have prepared for our plan.

Crow: I keep having Torgo flashbacks.
Corman: Who's Torgo?
Mike: You don't want to know. Trust me.

>They say

Dani: {sings as Lisa Loeb} I only hear what I want to. . .

>That we may lead to our planets' coordinates.

Servo: I, uh, think you missed a word or two there.

>Shayjac: Right. Take the man called Kimball to the radio. He will call them and tell them that our planets are suitable for colonizing.

>Stone: No, Al! Stop!

>Davis: Please, don't! For the sake of humanity!

>Kimball: I must. He has a gun on me.

Mike: Oh. Then by all means destroy the human race!

>(THey walk off.)

Servo: . . . the station and out into space. They die instantly. The end.
{Corman applauds.}
Crow: I wish!

>Shayjac: (laughs) See how strong your leader is now.

>(Jump-cut to the rocket ship.

Dani: 14 jump-cuts.
Crow: Can somebody just shut me down completely?
Human Crew: No.

>Kimball gets on the radio and adjusts it.

Corman: {Kimball} There! Now we can get Alanis Morrisette 24-7!
Dani: That's evil.
Corman: Thank you.

>Jump-cut to M.S.

Mike: 15.
Dani: Hey, Crow, I'll drag you out the airlock with me, okay?
Crow: Sure!
Mike: {placing his hands on Dani's and Crow's arms} No one is jumping out the airlock!

>the panel begins beeping.

Corman: Was that a whole new idea or a continuation of the jump-cut?
Servo: Beats me.

>The technician turns it on.)

>Technician: Sir, a message from the station!

>Howard: (excited)

{Dani and Crow start to speak.}
Mike: No.

>Yes. Turn it on!

>Kimball: (voice) Howard? This is Albert Kimball. I'm calling from the space station.

>Howard: Yes? Go on! Where are you?

>Kimball: (voice) I'm at the Scorpio Constellation.

Dani: Thank you! Finally!

>Phillips and Morse took me here to prepare for landing there.

Crow: Did that sentence make any sense to you guys?
Corman: Nope.
Servo: Not a bit.

>Howard: What about the problem?

>Kimball: (voice) That? Well, we found out it was a meteor. Pretty large. We destroyed it in a couple of seconds.

>(Jump-cut back to the rocket ship.

Crow: 16.

>Neutor is listening to all of this.)

>Kimball: Anyway, we're ready for colony ships to land here. Mr. Morse and Mr. Phillips showed us this.

>Howard: (voice) Good! We've had the ships ready for some time to launch. But how do I. . .

Dani: {sings} live without you, I want to know. . .

>(Neutor gets on the radio.)

Mike: Bad Neutor! Down, boy!
{The others laugh.}

>Neutor: Howard, this is Terry Phillips.

Servo: Oh, dear God, not again!
Dani: Maybe he has a multiple personality disorder?

>We're staying to guide the ships here, if it's possible to take them here.

>(Jump-cut back to M.S.)

Crow: 17.

>Howard: Well, it's positive ID that you're really Terry Phillips. Okay. The ships will be coming in a few hours. We'll send our fastest models. Out.

>(Jump-cut to the rocket ship again.)

Crow: And 18.
Dani: Hey! The jump-cuts are getting closer together!
Servo: There must be a minimum requirement of 20 jump-cuts per screenplay!

>Neutor: All right. Let's go.

Bots: Auugh!
Dani: What the hell. . . ?
Mike: Don't ask.

>(Jump-cut back to the control room.

Crow: 19 jump-cuts.

>Shayjac has the people under guard when Neutor and Kimball walk in.)

>Neutor: They'll be here in a few hours.

>Shayjac: Good.

Dani: Bye!
{She stands to leave.}
Corman: Uh, Dani? The door's locked again. Remember?
Dani: I can pick the lock.
Mike: That's nice, hon. And how will you breathe?
{Dani thinks about that. She sits back down.}
Dani: I forgot that part.

>Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think we have an interesting show for you before they come.

>(The planets appear on the screen. Behind the planets are the arms of the giant creatures.)

>Shayjac: Here you see our world. Part of our domain which no man shall ever see again. It is the last thing you which you will see in this life.

>(He presses a button.

Servo: Geez, it is Frank!

>A giant hand draws closer to the ship.)

>Kimball: What do you plan to do?

>Neutor: You shall be fodder for the monsters!

>Shayjac: You're first, Mr. Kimball. Get a move on!

Crow: {Kimball} I'd rather get a groove on, thanks!

>(Neutor pushes Kimball out the door. The others follow. Jump-cut to the airlock.

Corman: {sighs} 20.

>Kimball is tied up again.)

>Shayjac: And now, Mr. Kimball, we bid the farewell.

Dani: "Bid the farewell"?
Mike: I think it's supposed to say "bid thee farewell".
Dani: Who cares? It's still lame!

>(Outside, the monster gets so impatient that it hits the side of the ship. A pipe bursts, and goo flies all over Shayjac's hand.

All: Ewwwww!

>Jackson runs up to a panel and pushes a switch. A volt of electricity shacks the hand away.)

>Jackson: Are you badly hurt?

>Shayjac: I might die. . .

{All cheer.}

>I must have another body. . .

Dani: How do you think I feel, pal?
Mike: Danielle. . .
Dani: What? What did I say?
{Mike sighs and shakes his head.}
Crow: She's your sister, Mike.
Mike: Shut up.

>Jackson: I think we can save you if we get some proper medical equipment. Come on.

>(The others help carry Shayjac off.

Corman: Carry him off the space station?
Servo: Yesss!

>Jump-cut to the control room.

Crow: Hey, that's 21!
Dani: If we were playing Blackjack, that would be a good thing.

>Jackson is bandaging the arm.)

>Jackson: I think the only way now we can save you is if we could switch bodies. You have the knowledge, right?

>Shayjac: Right.

>Jackson: Good. Then, when I'm in your body,

{Mike looks first at Crow, then at Dani.}
Dani and Crow: What?
Mike: Just checking.

>I can keep it worked out until you can get into your body again.

>Dani: Okay, I'll be the first person to admit I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but that made no sense whatsoever!
Mike: I guess you have to be there to get it.

>(Jackson and Shayjac walk up next to the calcination-atomization tube. Jackson opens it slightly. He winks at Stone.)

Crow: Say--
Mike: NO!

>Jackson: Begin.

>(Shayjac puts his hand on Jackson's brain. But at that moment, Stone pushes the button that activates the ray. It affects Jackson, and he becomes dumber as a result of his de-evolution.

Corman: How can a moron become any dumber than he already is?!

>This also causes Shayjac to scream. Neutor fires at Jackson, and he turns into a pile of bones.

Dani: Nah, I've already done that one.
Mike: Dani!
Dani: I didn't say anything!

>Shayjac falls over, dead. The others run off.

Servo: . . . the bridge and plummet down the elevator shaft. The end.

>Neutor follows them. They run down the long corridor. Shayjac keeps firing at the others.

Dani: Hey! He's dead!
Crow: Whoa! Space Mutiny flashback!

>Stone opens the door to the jungle room,

Crow: Ah--no, I'll wait.

>and they run in with Neutor still inside. Meanwhile, in the jungle room,

Mike: {sings} And I was walking in Memphis. . .
{Dani giggles.}

>the natives are still dancing when our heros and Neutor comes in.

Servo: Looks like the grammar check finally up and died.

>Kimball ducks behind a tree.

Crow: What a wimp!

>Davis and Stone keep running. Suddenly, in the control room, the acid from Shayjac's wounds falls on the main calcination-atomization device.

Servo: Did they forget to include a jump-cut there?

>It explodes and shakes the entire ship. Neutor accidentally hits the statue, and it goes up in flames. The walls fall on Davis and Stone. Kimball begins to rush off.)

>Stone: Kimball!

>Davis: Please. . . help us. . .

Servo: I said it once, I'll say it again: STOP SHATNERING!

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