This is my list of films that I think could (and, in some case, should) be MiSTed
(NOTE--all new items are denoted with )
(ALSO NOTE--a ratings system has now been added. Ratings go from four "Extremely Funny"s for movies with some redeeming value [campiness or just one "good" actor] to a complete "Boo!" for the worst of the worst.):
Phantom of the Mall:
An 80's film, this movie is a very, very cheap rip-off of The Phantom of the Opera (although why it's set in a mall is far beyond my comprehension, the movie still sucks to the Nth degree!)
Howling V: The Rebirth:
Although I do like this film, you could drive a Mac truck through the plotholes. For example, a bus hits a creature that could be a werewolf very early in the movie, and THE SUBJECT IS DROPPED IN LESS THAN THREE MINUTES!! I mean, c'mon! Give us some info, don't just drop it!
I could only suffer through this one once. It is totally lame. The sequel, which has been shown on
SFC more times than I care to remember, isn't nearly as bad as the original
Super Mario Bros.:
Trust me on this one. It practically riffs itself at times. I mean, Come on!! I'm supposed to believe that the Bronx is actually a portal to another dimension where dinosaurs never went extinct! Heck, the first riff-able moment in the movie is during the prologue, when one dino says to another, with a Bronx accent, "It don't get no better than this!" Yeah, right, whatever.
Return of the Fly:
A classic Vincent Price vehicle. However,
it's still a pretty bad flick. I had actually written a
MiSTing of this film at one time, but I think it got
trashed when I cleaned my room last time. Maybe I'll write a new one. . .
Freddy's Dead: The Final
Don't get me wrong. I l-o-v-e the Elm Street Films, but this one deserves MiSTing for the Enna Godda Davida(sp?) sequence alone!
Glen or Glenda (provided by MST3Kelly):
"Classic Ed Wood piece of bleach! Glen wants to marry his girlfriend but he loves to wear her clothing. Should he tell her? Should he NOT tell her? Believe me, this is the PERFECT MST3K experiment."
Forget Paris (provided by MST3Kelly):
"I'm a big Billy Crystal fan but this movie is the worst! Some guy loses his dead father's body and he falls in love with the agent that is supposed to help him find it or something (I don't remember the story exactly but it was a horrible movie!)"
Stuart Saves His Family (provided by MST3Kelly):
"SNL character Stuart Smalley (Al Franken) attempts to straighten the lives of his dysfunctional family members. Lots of parts of this film sag and are unfunny. My dad still thinks this is the worst film of all time."
Reptilicus (provided by DelennB5):
"The Dutch answer to Godzilla, packed with cheesy modles, cheesier props, and a stunning lack of locations. 'We were drilling deep in the Amazon rain forest', which also happens to be a *PINE FOREST*!! The acting is staggeringly poor as well, and the premise that the whole thing re-grows itself from the tail because the freezer turns off is painful to the sanity."
Space Hunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (provided by DelennB5):
"An obvious attempt to spoof the popular SF adventure movies of the day, which failed miserably. Starring Peter Strauss, Ernie Hudson, and Molly "The Anit-Christ" Ringwald, plenty of sets updated from Lost in Space, more made up words than ebonics, some French revolutionaries, and a car made of legos, this movie is one of the few daring enough to use the premise that kicking things always makes them work. Look for a guest appearance by B5's Zathrus!"
Howling: New Moon Rising (provided by DelennB5):
"Somewhere, there's a little hotel where there is this one Australian guy, who went to Russia and may or may not have become a werewolf, and a werewolf, we don't know who it is (the big mystery), and another werewolf hunter, who suspects the Australian guy. This movie stars the crew of the film, and the infa-red nightscoppe 'werewolf vision' that someone got for 60 bucks from the Sharper Image catalogue. Scenes of interest include more flashbacks than every Dicken's novel combined, in which one guy melts, and then regrows himself as a werewolf. What, you didn't know that's how they make werewolves; out of warm cream and old shortcake?"
Hawk: The Slayer (provided by the Skiing Scotsman):
"The story of Hawk and his evil half-brother (I'm not sure about that, you'll have to check on it), get this, Jack Palance! It's a generic fantasy tale that gets it all wrong. There is an Elf who apparently studied under Shatner, and 'Giant' who stands a monstrous 6'2" I believe, and a 'Dwarf' who stands at a whopping 5'!!! Good old Jack got half his face burned off and he wants to kill his bro. Stuff happens. I saw this movie on one of those Saturday afternoon UHF matinee thingies when I was a kid and I remember grooving to the music at the end credits. Recently I found the movie in a vid store and decided to see if the ending music was as groovy as I thought it was back in the day. Well, it wasn't. The gay part about it is it tries to set itself up for a sequel."
Rating: 1/2 EF and a Boo! for good measure!
Now, don't get me wrong. I love robots (especially a little golden wisenheimer in particuler), and I love the SciFi Channel, but this SFC Original movie is one of the cheesiest they've done yet! The thrilling story of a computer game obssessed loser with a whimpy little sister, a divorcee mom, an even lamer best friend, and a girlfriend who looks like she wants to transform into BatGirl at any given moment. The "action" (and I use the term loosly) begins when Kyle (aka loser) wins a contest by changing the results and gets a little robot computer game called, what else, Evolver. Well, to make a long story short, Evolver gets damaged by some teenage thug (there is a shower scene involving this clown--do not watch this movie while eating!!) and goes on a killing spree. The end of the movie sets itself up for a sequel, but hopefully that day will never come. I think Crow and Servo would be offended deeply by this one line in particular: "He's a machine. Robots don't have feelings." Booooo! Hiss! On a scale of 1 to 10, this is a -12!!
Murder by Moonrise (provided by JSE88@aol.com)
"Starring Brigitte Nielson (ex-wife of Sylvester Stallone) and Julian Sands. Now, I like Julian Sands in 'A Room With a View' but he is really bad as a Russian (his accent is ridiculous at best) in this futuristic would-be thriller. He exudes the acting capabilities of a three-toed sloth. And of course Brigitte hasn't an acting bone in her body. The movie features close-ups of various body parts (chin, ear, hands, etc) while the two of them supposedly interogate various people. The two of them 'fall in lust' but the chemistry is absent. No one cracks a smile and some poor female character gets sucked out of a hole in the wall in a scene that violates several laws of physics. Try it--you'll hate it."
The Day It Came to Earth (Provided by Kat):
"A meteor, which bears a scary resemblance to a pair of flaming dentures, comes crashing to earth and lands in a lake. In the very same lake lies the body of a mob informant who found out what happens when you snitch. Two geeky college guys and their really dim girlfriends find this meteor. They show this to their college professor, played by George Gobel. The dead mob informant becomes a monster that terrorizes this town. The monster dies and the body of the informant is found in the lake, as if nothing even happened!!!!!!!! Mike and The Bots would have a field day with this movie, because it is just so bad. We get to watch the two geeks shamelessly brownnose George Gobel (Ick!!), one of the geeks, Eddie, doesn't seem to understand what a belt is, much less how to use one. There is a really gross make out scene with closed mouth kissing and Eddie actually turning down his girlfriend for sex, because he has to pee. There are other references to pee in this too. We are also subjected to a redneck police detective suddenly becoming a scientific genius (or maybe not. See the "Gee-Gaa-Goo" part and you'll understand)> Oh, did I forget to mention that Rita Wilson, aka Mrs. Tom Hanks, is in this as the smarter of the two air head girlfriends, and that this movie has Harry Thomason's name written all over it? Who is he? He's a F.O.B., (Friend of Bill Clinton), and he produced the show "Designing Women". Oh, and after the monster is destroyed and the little podunk Arkasas town is on fire, you'll agree that a happy and upbeat song is the perfect music to go over your closing credits.
This movie just plain sucked. Period."
The Brainiac (provided by Son of Corman):
"A film from our friends in Mexico, brought to you by K. Gordon Murray, of The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy fame. A baron is burned at the stake for oogling a few girls and stuff that isn't that bad. But a comet (represented by a flying gumdrop in outer space that looks suspiciously like black construction paper with holes in it) and comes back 300 years later as a monster that looks like a Krankor mask with a forked tongue and pinchers for hands with one thing on [its] mind: revenge. Yes, folks, he kills the ancestors of his torturers, which wouldn't really be a threat to his original torturers, by hypnotizing them (effect achieved by someone holding a flashlight up to the camera) and eating their brains! He even eats them out of a bowl, (which, one would wonder, how he got them in there). Yes, for south of the border fun, this would be great for MST3K. Yo quiero Braniac!
Rating: 3 EFs
Journey to the Beginning of Time (provided by Son of Corman):
"You thought MANOS and Plan 9 were bad. . . not only is this film bad, but it's obscure! The only other people I know who have seen this film were the people in Mrs. Brannan's film class. And that's it! It starts out with some kids going to a museum (we don't see their faces-this is important.) Then we are subjected to a walk in the museum narrated by the hero, "Doc" and has to do with the history of dinosaurs. It basically ends up like the beginning sequence in "The Deadly Mantis". Afterwards, the young kids go on a boating ride and fall into a painting of a cave. Inside, we find out that it leads to a river of time which goes farther and farther back to the beginning. And then we find out it's dubbed! The whole crew, when we finally see their faces, know that they are instantly Czechloslavakian (including Tony, who looks like Tommy Kirk.) You can even see, later in the film, when the dubbing gets mixed up, and the actors don't even start moving their lips until the talking is over! Not much happens afterward, except for everybody in the crew getting lost and later being refound, and JoJo (the most annoying comedy relief in history) beating up a fake alligator. But why do they even go to the beggining of time when they know they'll be burned to ashes there? Why aren't their parents worried yet? Do they really have enough time? Don't worry about it. It'll just hurt more. If Pearl ever had a movie marked "Doomsday Machine", this would be it!"
Lurkers (provided by David Fullam)
"Lurkers is inarguably the singel worst movie ever made. Directed by Roberta Findlay (a former porn producer with her husband Michael), Lurkers has something to do with a young woman being taken back to her childhood home in New York where as a little girl, she was tormented by ghosts. At least I think that's what it was about. Lurkers is virtually impossible to sit through, much less understand. The film is padded out with countless, gratuitous sex scenes, betraying Findlay's porn roots, not to mention endless scenes of people driving around New York City or sitting in bars drinking and talking. Only near the end does this confused piece of dreck remember that it was supposed to be a horror film but by then it is too late and you don't care anymore. The Deep Red Horror Handbook proclaims Roberta Findlay as the worst director working today and Lurkers proves why. Watch at your own risk."
Nine Deaths of the Ninja (provided by Vornoff):
"The already shameful ninja movie genre is brought to a new low in this one. While it aims for tounge-in-cheek, it hits finger-down-throat. The plot, such as it is, involves an elite anti-terrorist team (If these guys are the best, I'd hate to see the B-squad.) and their efforts to rescue a busload of tourists that have been taken hostage by "Alby the Cruel." However, the plot, as lame as it is, is not what make this movie the mess it is. The thing that really sets this one apart from the rest is teh characters, especially the villians.
"Let's start with Alby. Picture the oiliest man you've ever seen riding in a wheelchair through the jungle (!) who hasn't shaven in a week, speaks with the worst German accent you've ever heard, and twitches and fidgets like he's had a bad hit of acid. I'm sorry, I can't do this guy justice. You think I'm making this up, don't you? You think I must be exagerating a little, right? I haven't even gotten started. Alby's partner in crime is a dominatrix with a 'fro that makes her head look like a beach ball who commands a crack team of lesbian Girl Scouts and has obviously never taken a single acting lesson in her life. another chilling presence in the film is one named Mohammed Rhaji. What he has to do with Alby's caper is not quite clear, though. Believe it or not, he's EVEN DIRTIER AND OILIER than Alby! Rhaji only has a couple lines besides his gutteral, Krankor-esque laugh, but he might just leave the greatest impression. Imagine, if you will, a seven foot tall grinning idiot in a turbin who does nothing but laugh throughout the entire movie.
"Sho Kosugi, whom you might recall from Master Ninja II, is Spike (yes, "Spike") Shinobi, the leader of the good guys. He's a ninja. Big surprise. Although he is a master of stealth he falls for every stupid, bleeding obvious trap the bad guys set for him. Also, in a ham-handed attempt to make him comically endearing, he has a love of lollipops [okay, this is Femmey right now--sounds like Scottie!! OW! No hit!]. At least twice as loathsome are his two teammates. Brent Huff, whom only ninja movie fans will recognize, plays his skirt-chasing, machine gun-wielding best friend who smirks and rolls his eyes through every scene he's in. Try not to hate him, I dare you. The third member os the team is considerably less prominent, and that's probably a good thing. Obviously the director's girlfriend, she made her debut as well as her farewell performance in Nine Deaths. Supposedly, she handles "communications and coordination" for the team, but that's more implied than anything else. Also appearing are shane and Kane Kosugi, Sho's boys. They outact the adult cast.
"I could talk more about the plot, but this is getting really long. All you really need to know, anyway, is that it ends well when Alby is killed by polo players. Now I HAVE to be making that up!"
Bad Moon (video provided by Jon Adams, review by yours truly):
Ever notice how many of these movies are werewolf movies? It probably has something to do with the cheesy "morphing" effects used in the 50's and on through to the early 90's. At least, it does in this case.
We start out in the dangerous Pine Grove Jungle, or at least that might be its name, I really don't care. Within five minutes, we've met the first "star," and I'm using the term loosly, Michael Pare, and his girlfriend, who are going at it in their tent. Aparently jungle werewolves get pissed when you do that sort of thing, because one of them shows up, bites Michael, and rips the hell out of the girlfriend. Michael blows the werewolf's head off with a shotgun (yes, lovely imagery there, folks--crepe hair and red tempera paint everywhere!).
Then it's on to some backwoods town, where Michael's sister, Mariel Hemingway (the only person I'd ever heard of in the flick) lives with her kid (played by a family member of Mackauley Caulkin, I'm sure of it) and her dog Thor (played by "Primo"). I like Mariel Hemingway as an actress, but she must have been on crack to take this role. She plays a lawyer, but you never see her leave her damn house! What does she do, telecommute to the courthouse?
Anyway, to make a long story short, the movie starts out slow, dies about halfway through, and then tries to come back and scare you at the end. Please. I've seen scarier epsodes of Tom and Jerry. In fact, Primo outacted the entire human cast, including Mackauley Jr., simply by following these four commands: "sit," "stay," "beg," and "attack." Maybe next time, Mariel will think before she jumps at a role!
Rating: 1 EF
Wild Guitar (provided by Vornoff):
"Ever wonder what it would be like to cross Eegah with The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies? No? Well, here it is anyway.
"It's called Wild Guitar, and it stars the pie-faced, sunburned lump of Playdough Arch Hall, Jr. This time he's a small town hick trying to make it big in Hollywood. Fortunately, talent is not a precursor fo success in Tinseltown, and he becomes an instant hit after making a complete and utter fool of himself on some low-budget Star Search rip-off. there ensues many scenes of Arch displaying his singular lack of singing talent in a series of remarkably corny songs, usually about his new girlfriend Vicky. One such song, "Vicky," MSTies will remember from Eegah. That is unless they were successful in blocking the memory from their consciousness completely. Anyway, Arch Jr. signs a contract with a low-life manager played by Arch Sr. (another Eegah vet) who likes to play fast and loose with the books. Ray Dennis Streckler, the director of Incredibly Strange Creatures as well as this film, gives the performance of his career as Arch Sr.'s thug. When block-headed Arch Jr. finally figures out that Arch Sr. is keeping all the profits, he stages his own kidnapping to escape his clutches. In the end, following a hilarious fight scene between Ray Dennis Strickler and Arch Jr. (Who do you cheer for when they are both so loathsome?), the two Arches make up (!) and go back into business together. This movie was also the first to have a teen dance party on a beach. It figures.
"This is another movies that's full to the brim with ridiculous characters. "Steak" seems to be the character Streckler was born to play--a weasely jerk who can't beat up Arch Hall, Jr. While he's good for a few laughs, there are three characters who are so unfunny that it hurts to watch them try. They are the comedy reliefs Arch Jr. gets to help him stage his kidnapping. They have phony New York accents, even though they're from L.A., and they manage to achieve a level of indignity hitherto unknown to the cinema. Ugh. I cringe just thinking about them.
"Still, it was all worth it to see Arch Hall, Jr. and Ray Dennis Strickler pummeling each other."
Konga (provided by Son of Corman):
"KONGA! KONGA! KONGA! That is the line that will be stuck in your head for years after seeing this flick starring Michael Gough, of "Batman" fame (he plays Alfred at that.) He stars in this as a scientist/professor who brings a chimpanzee and some Venus-fly traps and triffid-like plants to his lab. There, his lab assistant Margaret wants to marry him, but he seems to prefer a sexy girl student at school. Naturally, her Tom Cruise lookalike boyfriend and Margaret want to stop him. But he turns the chimpanzee into a guy in a gorrila suit (all done with the effect of pouring vasaline on the camera and switching "actors") and, finally, a giant ape. (Now, who couldn't see this coming? His name was a ripoff of King Kong, for crying out loud!) But the only damage he causes is he burns down a toy building and walks around London, waving his hand at people (who get scared for some reason) and carrying Michael Gough, who keeps screming "KONGA!!!!!". But, the military comes in, and Konga is killed by machine-gun and bazooka fire that DOESN'T EVEN HIT HIM!!!!! AUGH!!!!! This has got to be one of the most ineptly entertaining film of all time! Perfect for MST3K viewers! Oh, byt the way, the producer, Herman Cohen, also did "I Was a Teenage Frakenstein" and "Blood of Dracula" - This was going to be titled "I Was a Teenage Gorilla"!"
Rating: 4 EFs
Cat Women of the Moon (provided by Son of Corman):
"'Queen of Outer Space' for female chauvanists. A rocket expedition to the moon encounters a race of sexy dancers in tights (this is why this film is in 3-D), meteorites, and two giant spiders. The cast is actually considerably famous. Sonny Tufts was a singer on Broadway and in pictures before he was sued for biting showgirls on the thighs. Marie Windsor starred in Kubrick's "The Killers", as well as others. Victor Jory was a talented character actor of the 40's and 50's. Douglas Fowely is best remembered for his role as "the director" in "Singin' in the Rain". Bill Phelps was in "The Snow Creature" and "Invaders from Mars" as well as playing the voice of Prince Charming in "Cinderella". And, of cource, the Cat Women were "The Hollywood Cover Girls". Remade as "Missile to the Moon", itself worthy of MSTing. Yes, the musical score you hear is by Elmer Bernstein, who did "To Kill a Mockingbird", "The Magnificent Seven", and (what else) "Robot Monster".
Rating: 3 EFs
King Cobra (video provided by Jon Adams, review by moi):
Anyone remember the movie Anaconda? This is its lame cousin. The plot, if you wanna give it that much digninty, involves the escape of a thirty foot hybrid snake escaping from the research center where it was developed, hanging around for two years without being seen by anyone, then killing a bunch of people for no good reason. If a thirty-foot snake in the U.S. seems to be a bit of a stretch, add to that the fact that it was the result of crossing an African King Cobra with an Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake. And as if this crossbreeding wasn't enough, they had the balls to name the snake Seth. I can see the decision-making process now: "Here's a good name for him--Seth! Y'know, after the Egyptian god of death! Whaddaya think?" Of course, they were so drunk they thought it was the greatest idea ever. The only stars in this movie were Pat "Mr. Miagi" Morita and two young "up and comers" (this was made in the late eighties) who look like--no lie--Ricky Martin and Jennifer Love Hewitt. I give this film ten stars only for the fact that every annoying character got killed off as soon as they plucked my last nerve. The surprise ending was written by a three-year-old, I'm sure of it. Try it, I'm sure you'll despise it!
Rating: 1 EF
Dracula vs. Frankenstein (provided by Son of Corman):
"People don't think that there exist any famous 'grade-z' filmmakers anymore. Well, look no further than Al Adamson (who passed away lately, I'm told. Coincidence?) This movie, to say the least, is his magnum opus. It's right up there with Robot Monster and Red Zone Cuba as one of the smallest, lowest-budgeted 'creations' of all time. The plot (what remains of it) deals with a singer (played by Regina Carrol, 'The Freak-Out Girl' [a.k.a. the director's wife]) who, after singing a scene that was omitted from 'That's Entertainment!' looks for her sister who is lost in California. We later find out that a doctor has her trapped in his basement after chopping off her head, and she's still alive (!!!). Seems he wants her blood circulating for some magic elixir of some sort. Then Dracula shows up and tells the doctor he's the last living member of the Frankensteins (?!). Then he tells him that the monster his ancestor created was in a graveyard in California (!?!?). After they recreate him, the monster goes on a killing spree, terrorizing Regina Carrol and a bunch of Mystery Machine Gang lookalikes (like Tony Eisley, fresh from The Wasp Woman, which I shall do later on this board). Did I mention this film features J. Carrol Naish, Lon Chaney, Jr., Angelo Rossito, Russ Tamblyn, Jim Davis (!?) and Forrest J. Ackermann? Just look out for some of the phoniest effects in history (including a comet which is supposed to revive Frankenstein (!?!) and Dracula's toy ring which emits lasers (!!!???).) Trust me, folks, this is an editor's, well, cameraman's, well, audience's nightmare, but the gang at MST3K would (as usual) enjoy it (and make it enjoyable, to say the least)."
Rating: 2 EFs
The Angry Red Planet (provided by Son of Corman):
"In seeing Reptilicus, I thought that people are overlooking some of the other great works of Sid Pink and Ib Melchoir. Seems Sid is kind of a strange guy (he thinks Denmark is the capital of the filmmaking business). This is furthermore demonstrated in The Angry Red Planet. Filmed in 'Cinemagic!', the film deals with a group of astronauts who go to Mars. When they land, the beautiful scientist of the group (Nora Hayden) is given a truth serum of some sort to make her remember the whole film in flashbacks.... Seems the rest of the crew was told by a mysterious three-eyed alien to leave (not after being attacked by a giant jello amoeba and what appears to be a mixture between a monkey, a bat, and a spider!) his home planet. Did I mention that the sequences on Mars are filmed with a Pink lens? (That's where Sid Pink comes in--get it> Ah, never mind.) Les Tremayne (the voice of Jonny Quest's dad and star of other sci-fi films) co-stars, along with Brooklynese comedy-relief Jack Kruschen (did they always come from New York after Rocketship X-M?) and Gerald Mohr as the love interest who also coincidentally wears loafers in space! Best line: After seeing the three-eyed alien, 'Three eyes! WHat a crazy peeping Tom!'"
Rating: 4 EFs
Horror of the Blood Monsters [a.k.a. Vampire Men of the Lost Planet; Horror Creatures of the Prehistoric Planet; Creatures of the Prehistoric Planet; Creatures of the Red Planet; Flesh Creatures of the Red Planet; The Flesh Creatures; and Space Mission of the Lost Planet] (provided by Son of Corman):
"Whew! What a doozy! Another piece of tax-loss cinema at its best from All Adamson. Look up 'Deep Hurting' in the dictionary, and you'll see this film staring right back at you, smiling evilly. The film (at first) deals with vampires attacking the back streets of cities and turning people into vampires, blah blah blah, the usual. But here comes the change. Robert Dix and Vicki Volante lead, in what appears to be a school room, A MISSION TO ANOTHER PLANET! Why? Just wait. Seems the mission is head by none other than our favorite character actor John Carradine (what's he doing in a film like this and not something like Billy the Kid vs. Dracula?). He plays Dr. Ryning, who heads a crew on a spaceship (with the usual sterotypes, like the Brooklynese comedy relief or the lovers--see my review on The Angry Red Planet). Well, after flying through some footage from The Wizard of Mars, the land on some planet which has more stock footage from One Million B.C. (boy, this stuff sure gets around!) and some other footage from a Filipino Horrow Flick about a bunch of cave men fighting what appears to be 'vampires'. Yep. Uh huh. Vampires. Right. Anyway, this film shares another similarity between The Angry Red Planet--it also has scenes tinted a certain color (red being the most dangerous) to achieve some sort of effect (perhaps they were trying to hide that fact that this footage was black and white). We're treated to some other deus ex machinas as well--Dix and Volante kiss and ogle on the bed for no apparent reason, and he shoots her with a color gun, and the crew meets a cavegirl who tells them the story of her tribe (she falls in love with the comedy relief!). Finally, the crew just takes off from the planet. yes, that's it. We never knew if the plot is resolved. [note from the editor: Plot? There was a plot? I don't see no plot!] The whole thing is an editor's nightmare, like Al's other films. Shame on you, Al. Mystery Science Theater will have a field day with this one!"
Rating: 1 EF
The Land Unknown (provided by Corman)
"From Universal-International Pictures (which seemed to be on a wave of some sort during the 50's) comes our film today. The plot deals with an expedition to the South Pole. Scientists believe that a volcano might be cooling an area of land enough to make it tropical. Of course, a female reporter goes down to the continent of Antarctica with your usual cast of cleft-chin officers (including the guy who played Gordon the Archaeologist from "The Thing That Couldn't Die"!) But, on a routine mission from their base in a helicopter, they are attacked by what seem sto be a pterodactyl and they crash-land in a tropical jungle. Unfortunately, they're stuck, and if they don't fix the helicopter in time, the expedition will leave without them. Maybe they could ask for help from the old abandoned hermit living here since his plane crashed? Or will they be stuck? Sheesh. Where to start. Well, first of all, the dinosaurs are represented by monitor lizards (you know, the type from One Million B.C.), and the pleiosaur is merely a hose decorated with glass eyes and spray-painted black (at least that's what I think, since this is a black-and-white film.). And the Tyrannousaurus Rex is a man in a giant suit with slobber all over its (his?) mouth. It's about as frightening as Barney. The acting's okay, and there are some humorous lines - "It is true that you can't live among beasts without becoming one. It is just as true that you can't live among human beings without becoming affected by the humanity.", so these make us for this. Did I mention that there's a climatic crash of the helicopter at the end, probably there because it's stock footage? Did I also mention that this was directed by the same person who brought you the Mole People? Did I ... . Oh, never mind. Just watch it! And remember, it's a true story!"
Rating: 3 EFs
The Last Dinosaur (provided by Corman)
"Richard Boone, past cowboy star, now actor in a dinosaur flick? Something ain't right. Yes, it seems alcohol can take it's toll, as we're about to find out. The plot of this film is similar to The Land Unknown. A female reporter joins an expedition headed by our pal Richie to go to an Antarctic strip of land that has vegetation and dinosaurs. (Sound familiar?) They get there by using a drill-like submarine called the Polar Borer (It's not boring, actually - all the effects in this movie are kinda cool.) But a T. Rex hunts down the members of the mission (including an African guide) and eat them one by one except for our heroes. But Richard wants to hunt it down and falls in love with the reporter. Although a lot sillier than its predecessor, it has some good effects. Why? It was made in Japan. I forgot to mention that the people who produced this were Rankin and Bass, who did all those animated Christmas specials we're fond of. Trust me, the dinosaurs haven't got any Christmas charm to them! As for the acting, it's your usual. Even if it's evident that Richard hasn't had a chaser, he's still the Richard we all know and love, saving the female reporter from a stegosaurus and calling the captain of the expedition a ding-dong. But poor Joan VanArk. Her character has some of the stupidest comments ("I could stand dinosaurs, but leeches?") but she does her best. All in all, an okay monster movie from our friends in the Land of the Rising Sun."
Rating: 2 EFs
Planet of the Dinosaurs (provided by Corman)
"Yes, I know what you're thinking: Corman, do you do anything besides dinosaur films?
"1) I love dinosaurs,
"2) Most of them are corny, and
"3) This one has to be done sooner or later.
"I got this on the same tape as "The Last Dinosaur", and I had hoped it would be as entertaining as the former. No luck - It was the grand loser. Maybe, I thought, it would be like Bert I. Gordon's King Dinosaur in the fact that it took place on another planet with dinosaurs on it. But that's too much of a insult to Mr. Gordon . . . The story deals with a spaceship that looks inexplicably like a light fixture blowing up in outer space. The crew manages to survive when they land on a nearby planet. But wouldn't you know it - the Blond chick forgot the signaling device which calls for help. Going back to get it (and removing her clothes in the process) she gets eaten for her trouble by a dinosaur. From then on in, it gets worse. The wimpy captain complains about finding food, a dumb crewman gives a gun to a girl and she breaks it, some even dumber executive loses all the food and also gets eaten, and they all get drunk on a berry juice, dance shamelessly and tell farmer's daughter jokes before all getting killed by a giant T. Rex. Well, maybe not all of them, but I wish . . . The special effects are your basic Harryhausen dinosaurs, but during the crash landing of the ship, houses can be seen in the distance (?) But dig those groovy 70's fashions . . .with a shovel. I think I'll stick with Mr. Gordon's film."
Robot Ninja (provided by David Fullam)
"This sorry excuse comes from the one man Ohio film industry, JR Bookwalter. Bookwalter at one point seemed to be the "Great White Hope" for direct to video productions but ultimately his stuff was just as bad as all the other detritus clogging the video shelves. Bookwalter first came on the scene when Fangoria magazine printed an article about his feature film debut, "The Dead Next Door". Dead was a low budget but rather ambitious zombie film that ran into financial difficulty. The money ran out and the picture remained uncompleted. Undaunted, Bookwalter accepted work from other producers, the money from which would help finish Dead, which by this time was gaining something of a reputation as a film that could possibly become a major genre fave a la Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Evil Dead (all this hoopla for an unfinished work!). Bookwalter's first post Dead film, Robot Ninja, was proof that the Dead Next Door may have been much ado about nothing. Robot Ninja is doubly frustrating. Not only is it God awful but it also has at it's center something that in more talented hands could have become a halfway decent film. Ninja is the story of Lenny Miller, hot shot writer/artist for Amsco Comics . Lenny is not at all happy that the company has sold the television rights to his character, Robot Ninja, to a network that has promptly turned his dark anti hero into a campy do gooder just like the 1960 TV incarnation of Batman. Miller vows that the world will know just what the Robot Ninja is really all about and storms off into the night. While driving home, Miller encounters the double rape/murder of a young couple at the hands of Grody Sanchez and her hoods Ravell and Scully. Attempting to apprehend the gang members only gets Miller beaten up but it also inspires him not only to write a new Robot Ninja story based on the events but to also take a more pro active stance on crime. Getting in touch with his inventor buddy Dr. Hugo Goodknight, Miller has him build an actual Robot Ninja costume complete with the character's trademark razor blade right handed glove. Miller wants to use it to track down Grody and her thugs. Well Goodknight goes along with this ridiculous idea and builds Miller the suit. After trying it on for size, Miler decides to hit the streets to find the villains. Goodknight heads to bed and fails to see Miller swipe a bottle of uppers from the medicine cabinet. Miller swallows a handful and heads off. It's not long before he finds Sanchez and the gang robbing a video store. Although he succeeds in killing Ravell, he also inadvertantly kills a young bystander.
"The next morning, Goodknight confronts Miller about this and the theft of the pep pills. Miller says the young boy's death was an accident and the pep pills were necessary to keep awake and alert. This isn't good enough for the Dr. He attempts to take back the suit but Miller throws him out. That night Miller heads out again, hopped on uppers, looking for Sanchez. But the gang girl is waiting for him with reinforcements, one of whom is director Bookwalter (look for the fatass with the greasy hair). Miller kills one of the thugs but is overpowered by the rest of the gang who along with Sanchez, proceed to hack Miller up like sushi before shooting him in the leg and shoulder. Luckily for our hero, the cops arrive and take care of all but Sanchez and Scully who get away as does Miller. Now here is where this thing really gets stupid. The nearly dead Miller makes it back to Goodknight's workshop but the good Dr. has had to go away for the evening. Left by himself, Miller patches up his wounds as best as possible with nick nacks from Goodknight's stash of stuff. The only reason this incomprehensible scene exists is to show what Bookwalter (also a makeup fx artist) and his crew can do. Miller replaces a damaged vein in his arm with some plastic tubing and shoves a metal plate into the leg wound, all the while he spits up blood and loses even more vital fluid via the shoulder injury which continues to gush during the entire scene! I guess the reasoning is this, "he didn't die of his wounds because of his massive intake of pep pills". Yeah right and I think Tom Cruise is the best actor alive. To make a long story short, Miller (who is now a true "robot ninja") forces one final showdown with Sanchez and Scully. Miller kills Scully and badly wounds Sanchez who is in turn finished off by the police. Miller returns home and blows his sorry brains out. The comic company then rushes out the comic that he was working on in order to cash in on his death. The End.
"Along the way, comic book creators and their fans are crapped on by Bookwalter and company. As just about the biggest comic book fan out there, I found this very offensive. Take for instance this brilliant piece of dialogue from the film's conclusion as two young fans comment on Miller's last Robot Ninja comic book, Fan #1, "Wow, this guy is cool. Wish I could be like him". Ugh. Comic book fans do not repeat, do not talk like that Mr Bookwalter. I suggest you get a clue. If you see Robot Ninja then by all means look out for the following, Burt Ward, yes that Burt Ward, Robin of TV's Batman as Miller's boss at Amsco comics. He easily gives the best performance in the film. Bimbo actress Linnea Quigley as Ward's secretary. I was in Quigley's fanclub at one point and boy was it a nightmare. And last but not least a Bookwalter trademark, since most of his early films were barely feature length they were padded out with overlong comedy credits that are simply not funny. Bookwalter finally finished Dead Next Door and as expected it was not worth the wait. Bookwalter continued to make lousy direct to video features for several years before finally disappearing from the scene."
Killers from Space (provided by Corman)
"Hi, I'm Peter Graves. Tonight on biography, W. Lee Wilder. Yes, it's amazing how little these two are alike. While Billy went on to make Sabrina and Some Like it Hot, W. Lee made Killers from Space, Phantom from Space, and The Snow Creature (someday I'll review these films. Someday.) While Billy shows a sense of humor in his films, W. Lee instead uses the serious, tough-jawed approach. Still, this is probably
his best film. It deals with Peter Graves as a scientist who crashes in
a jet during a nuclear explosion due to mysterious circumstances. Strangely enough, he returns to the base alive and well. But, to the dismay of the officers and his beautiful wife, he starts stealing information about the tests (Do I sense a "Mission: Impossible" forewarning?) Turns out that after he crashed he was brought back to life by big-eyed (we're talking cartoon big) aliens in jumpsuits who want the info because they're harnessing the power from the atomic explosions to create giant bugs and insects (which is just stock footage of a nature documentary enlarged)! Well, to start out with, this isn't the quickest moving film in the world, but aren't most of the films on MST3K? But there is some neat photography of noirish feeling (Lots of shots of eyes), not to mention some bargain basement effects, like the "Flying Saucers" and the aforementioned "Monsters" and stock footage of
atomic blasts narrated in the same way as Ed Wood. Did I mention that at
the climax of this film at the generating plant, one of the workers looks like Coleman Francis? This, my friends, is Art."
Rating: 1 EF
Halloween: The Curse of Michael Meyers (provided by Lennie)
"In this, the 4th or 5th or 6th Halloween movie, someone has a baby, and then dies in a barn, of all places, and then I wasn't sure, but for some reason, nobody but the kid Jamie Lee Curtis was baby sitting in the first one noticed the trail of blood leading to the ladies room, which was luckily empty, and no one noticed the baby in their either. Anyway, someone else, who is also related to Jamie Lee Curtis, I think, is living with her adopted (I think) mom and dickweed dad. Later, Mikey shows up, the washing machine breaks (this is important later), he chops off mom's head, splatters the freshly-cleaned sheets with blood (but at least has the decency to put them in the washer), stabs dad into the washing machine, which, even though it doesn't work anymore, somehow provides enough electrical current, along with the water it dumped on the floor, to make dad's head explode. Michael is ok, don't worry the movie drags on. And on. It almost tells us a little more info about the whole thing about why he's a psycho, but not really, and somehow Donald Pleasance ALSO managed to survive the huge explosion in Halloween II, and that's about as much sense as it makes. Oh, and there's a radio host who says something about crotchless panties."
The Castle Of Fu Manchu- (provided by Lennie)
"Already MSTed, but well worth the warning! It makes no sense at all, and is the FOURTH movie in the series! Fu Manchu, the man and the mustache, take over some castle somewhere, and give some fat English guy a new heart so he can do something and then the other people he abducted fall in love after they kill the guy who's heart they used for the transplant, and then giant urinal cakes fall from the ceiling because Fu Manchu has some thing that makes iceburgs form and dams break, and then there's a random shot of the top of some guys fez, and then some other English guy with testosterone injections shows up from the beginning of the movie, and then there's a shot of a tower somewhere, and then some guy we've never seen before walks down some stairs we've never seen before, and there's a woman who dresses like a man, who we think gets killed, but the she shows up later, without her fez, and then I passed out so I don't remember anything else, but stay away from it, man, it's just bad!"
Movie: A Return To Salem's Lot (provided by Alradbe@aol.com)
"This movie is not worthy of having the name 'Salem's Lot' in it. The first movie ( "Salem's Lot") was great, after all it's based on a Stephen King novel. But this one totally sucked, it wasn't scary, no suspense at all!!!!!!! You couldn't pay me to watch this movie again. I'm not sure if it's even worth being torn apart by Mike and the 'Bots. It suuuuuuuuuuucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Teenage Devil Dolls (provided by Corman)
"People who like drugs should take heed. They'll need to sit through
pictures like this one in order to learn. But the road back to sanity is
harder than the road away.Anyway, Let's get on with our film.
Cassandra, a nice, white, teenage (yeah, about as young as the kids in
Teenagers from Outer Space) rich girl, you know the type, goes on a ride
with a bunch of kids on bikes. But, for some reason, that's evil. Now
she must SUFFER! Seems that somehow she gets addicted to drugs, so she
takes prescriptions. Lots of them. And hides the bottle. But hubby (did
I mention she got married? SIGH . . .) Anyway, so soon she ends
up in a mental hospital. But she manages to get past the complex
security of the hospital (one nurse reading a magazine) and she hooks up
with more "bad people". Soon, the cops realize that there's a major boss
head behind all of this. So they hunt down these kids and take away
their drugs. Then they crawl along the ground to the tune of a whistle
(!). Finally, Cassandra escapes with two thugs (one of them is played by
the director) and drives out into the desert, where some cops capture
them, and return Cassandra safely to her family. The film ends with a
message preaching on how many kids have been killed by drugs, and how we
can stop it. The End.
"First of all, the film is completely silent except for narration. Jack
Webb-like narration. Sounds like Beast From Yucca Flats, huh? And
there's lots of scenes of teenagers crawling around on the ground, with
that whistle sound. And there's a subplot about the narrator, who's a
cop, helping to capture young hellions, and also one about Cassandra's
friend who looks like Divine and ends up killed by drugs. And in the
exciting climax, where a posse hunts down the main character (This film
is starting to sound like a Colman Francis film, huh?) the footsteps
echo in the middle of the desert!!! But, these films probably did a lot
of good wherever they were shown, and MST3K is probably the next stop
for this not-bad epic about drugs (you know what I mean)."
Rating: 2 EF's
If you know of any movies that you think
could (or should) be MiSTed, e-mail your picks to
me (I'll need the title of the film and a brief summary,
preferably your own). I will add it to the list as soon as I can. For now, you can go back to the Domain and explore my other rooms.